by Jason Parker

So I used to call this little monthly diatribe Kill Your T.V. But I can't insinuate violence anymore. It will now be called Sun and Puppies for Everybody. I have an excuse because I knocked up my wife but it's cool because we meant to do it. Unlike a few of those "I'm late"-Sunday-morning bargaining-with-God-that-I'd-never-use-my-penis-again-pregnancy-test-moments that many of us had when we were all in high school and college, I was hoping for the two pink lines. With my little nun on the way in February there has been a wholesale paradigm shift in my life. Suddenly my subscription to Playboy is now justified to renew FOREVER. If my little nun-to-be is ever approached by Hugh Hefner she will refuse because she'll realize that daddy reads the articles and would be pissed and take away all the stuff that he was conned into getting her. And I will come down like thunder and rule with an iron hand.

Okay to the reality ship we go. The following is an example of what will be a typical conversation between my daughter and I for eternity. Her, "Daddy can I (_________) ?". "Yes" I will say repeatedly for the next 50 years. So that way she will be spoiled and if she decides that being a nun isn't gonna happen it will make life hell on any future suitors she may try to bring home. She will have super picky ultra high standards. This means she will be tough.

Enter my purchase of a shotgun. This will be standard décor at my home anytime she brings home a date or some goofy looking idiot just to annoy me. I will brandish a bottle of bourbon in one hand and the Remington in the other. I will stare and I will look tough and I will not talk to the young man until he talks first. Then I will mumble lines from Tombstone. See that's how you establish dominance. Silence really freaks people out and the first one to talk loses. So if you talk first then for the rest of your daughter and this losers' relationship you have given up dominance. I will find will also find ways to roam around the house late at night. To ensure maximum dominance I will do this in my boxer briefs. This shows that it is my house and I will do what I want when I want. I will make sure that the house it always overheated so that there is no possible reason for a blanket to be covering up any unsavory cuddling on the couch. That's how those moments I mentioned earlier tend to creep up. But I won't keep it too heated so that they strip off layers of clothes.

On the subject of clothes, there will be none of this panty showing business going on. No shopping at Victoria's Secret for panties which increase in price with the decrease of fabric. I will give wedgies to all who show thongage in my house. Thunder will pound when I stomp the ground like a million elephants with silverback orangutans. Ode to Outkast!

The good news is that she's got 10 fingers and 10 toes, the bad news is that I will be wrapped around one of those fingers till the day I die. But that just ensures Sun and Puppies for Everybody.

Oh on a side note, I had to come out of retirement to pay for her. I'm still associated with the stations that I love in Mix 96.5 and The Zone at 107.1 but I'm in a different department.