By Jason Parker

Mix 104.7's afternoon personality

I was asked one time to be the lead singer of a rock band. It was seventh-grade, the new kid in town and I really didn't fit in. I was a skater kid from St. Louis who was forced to move to a town with less than 5,000 people.

Nothing against small towns, but it can leave you with a distaste for some things when you are in 7th grade and an 8th grader (nicknamed Stretch) gives you a hard time because you have long hair, listen to Black Flag and have never heard of Garth Brooks. With that treatment, I befriended mostly outsiders like myself. Our brothers hadn't won the district championship against East Hickville years earlier, we didn't own boots of the cowboy variety, and "mudding" was not a favorite family tradition.

One day this kid asked me to be in his band. I said no because I really didn't know the guys. I will regret this decision forever because the band eventually evolved into the Urge. Okay that's a lie, would you believe Creed?

Okay so the former members of Bleed or whatever their name was, never made it. I don't know what really happened to all of them truthfully. I ran into one of them, working at a gas station when I was passing through that little town on my way back to see family in St. Louis. He's still rocking.

So years later I wonder what it would be like to perform on stage -even at Jeremiah's or down town somewhere. I sort of want to be a rock star. Not like whatever Wahlberg brother is in that new movie. I mean I want to be an honest to goodness rock star with talent.

If I were gifted musically I would write songs that didn't suck. I know that you are probably thinking, "who wants to write songs that suck" which I understand, but trust me I can give you a plethora of names. And when I say 'rock star' I don't literally mean a rock musician.

Perhaps I could be the lead singer of a nifty rap-metal combo. Or even better a pop icon. Then again, working for a Top 40 radio station I sometimes hear songs that make me want to rub my eyeballs with sandpaper so perhaps that's not a good idea.

In all seriousness though I envy many musicians. I think that anyone who has the gumption to get up on stage and perform should be applauded. A good friend of mine is in Van Gogh's Ear, a local band. The guy is outgoing as it is, but getting up in front of a bar to sing is crazy.

I'd be afraid that I would suck and get stuff thrown at me. Maybe if I had a few beers in me. I have a hard enough time doing karaoke.

I don't think I could be a rap star. I can't even say Sally sells seashells down by the seashore, without tripping myself out. Wow I just used the word 'tripping', maybe I should get a crew and flow on the microphone.

I don't think I would want to be a country star. I love life too much to cry about it. Then again country music isn't really as depressing as it used to be.

I could be a pop diva, but I can't see pre-pubescent girls buying my album if I was on the cover in low rider jeans and had a thong peeking out. It would look like pregnant Britney Spears meets an NFL linebacker, minus the muscles.

There's too much cocaine and heroine in rock for me. Plus my wife probably wouldn't agree with me getting to know my groupies if you know what I mean.

I think I would like to be a folk singer. They're harmless. No one has ever been sued because a fan got killed in a mosh pit at a folk concert. Maybe I'd get busted for weed, but that's about it.

Yes, I would like to be a folk singer. My wife would think the ballads were nice and I could just make up songs and then give them meaning later, or better yet, say they are interpretational art. People would pay big money to hear me sing about mom's cooking and caterpillars. I'd appeal to everyone. Teenagers would buy my music for their parents at Christmas. College kids would sit around pondering the meaning of songs like "I Have an Itch" and "Butterfly Sandwiches".

Old people would get it on at my concerts in the lawn seating section. That really happened at a James Taylor concert. There were these two 40-somethings and they just put a blanket over themselves and went to town. Eventually I had to borrow a five spot from my dad, so it was kind of odd.

Just like the Urge story was just a funny little embellishment.