'Homeless' Could Use Better Marketing

"I hate homeless."

That's what my friend Reggie told me the other day.

"That's kind of an extreme position, Reggie. So when did you join the Nazi party?"

"That's not what I mean. I don't hate THE homeless. I hate the WORD homeless. It's an awful word for marketing."

Reggie considers himself something of a marketer. He bases this expertise on almost completing a minor in marketing from SEMO in the 1980s.

"So what do you hate about the word homeless. Isn't it accurate?"

"Oh, sure, it's accurate, but it's not appealing. Successful marketing has to be appealing. You know what word I like? Hobo. It's very appealing."

"Hobo?"

"Yeah. I think it conjures up idyllic images of carefree men and women roaming the country during the 1930s and 40s. It's a much easier sell. 'Homeless' gives the impression that someone has been derelict in their own personal responsibilities causing them to become homeless. But 'hobo' sounds like a lifestyle choice. And it makes for a great theme."

"What do you mean by that?"

"All successful ventures must have a cohesive theme. This homeless shelter that Reverend Larry Rice is trying to force on Cape is a perfect example."

"I would think that homelessness would be the theme of pretty much any homeless shelter."

"That's true, it is. But the word 'homeless' does not lend itself to being a great theme. Frankly, it's really a downer. It's like trying to market the word 'Hitler.' There's just no positive spin you can apply to it. You just can't build marketing excitement around the word 'homeless.' However, 'hobo' just screams promotion. It is very appealing. Quick, what do you think of when you hear the phrase 'homeless shelter'?"

"I dunno. I guess a lean-to, a burn barrel and several scruffy guys sharing a fifth of Mad Dog 20/20."

"Exactly. But what do you think if that same place is called -- drum roll please -- the 'Happy Hobo Hotel'?"

"Well, besides it being seriously politically incorrect, I guess a lean-to, a burn barrel and several scruffy guys sharing a fifth of Mad Dog 20/20. But this time the guys are all wearing nice hats and have sticks with those knapsack things tied to the end of them."

"See that's a theme. When you think of hobo, you think dapper. Rice could require all residents at the Happy Hobo Hotel to wear derbies when they were out in public. It could be their signature look. Cape could have the sharpest-dressed hobos in the country."

"There's only a slight problem, Reggie. Where are all of these homeless in Cape County that justify converting a 47,000 square-foot surplus federal government building into a shelter?"

"Oh they're not here. Or I should say, not yet. But once we start marketing the Happy Hobo Hotel, they'll be headed to Cape in droves. Heck, I bet Rice could work out some kind of deal with Burlington Northern and bring them in by the boxcar. After all, the railway is only three blocks away from the site of the proposed shelter."

"That would be authentic transport for your hobo theme."

"It would. And did you know that a train can haul one ton of hobos 436 mile on just a single gallon of fuel? That's pretty darn efficient. Rice could bring in a lot of hobos from Chicago or other big city metros quite cost effectively via boxcar. I bet the mayors of those cities would even pay Rice to haul off their homeless."

"So you're suggesting that hauling the homeless to Cape could become a profit center for the Preacher's organization?"

"I don't know for sure, but it could happen. Traditional homeless shelters don't exactly have the best cash-flow. Being paid to bring in homeless from other places could provide a nice little revenue stream to the preacher's organization."

Now that would be very appealing. At least to Rice.