I'm so glad that Wickedness is being addressed by Cape Girardeau's new zoning ordinances. And of course, when I say Wickedness, I really mean naked people. Nothing is more Wicked than naked people.
But thank goodness the city is dealing with Wickedness via Section 30-353 of the zoning code that pertains to Adult Entertainment Overlay Districts.
This overlay district section covers a number of Sins that Wicked People like to partake in including:
- Bookstores that carry mostly materials featuring naked people.
- Motion picture theatres showing movies where the actors are mostly naked.
- Bathhouses which apparently are just the locker room portion of a workout facility and a place that naked people like to congregate.
- Modeling studios where naked people might pose for sleazy things like being drawn or photographed.
- And tattoo parlors.
Any new Center of Sin that wishes to set up shop in Cape, will now be restricted to an Adult Entertainment Overlay District.
Or that is what I originally thought.
I won't bore you with all the specifications of the AEOD, but Those Kind Of Businesses -- you know, those primarily involving naked people -- would only be allowed in 4 of the 16 kinds of non-overlay zoning districts. In addition, the Centers of Sin could not be within
"one thousand feet of any church, school or area zoned for residential use." And the Planning and Zoning Commission would have to approve the request for the creation of an Adult Entertainment Overlay District. None currently exist.
When you actually start looking at the zoning map and get rid of the twelve district types where Those Businesses may definitely not be located and then eliminate all of the areas within 1000 feet of any residential areas, there aren't a lot of places remaining to put these Dens of Sin.
The only locations left where Those Businesses can operate is most of Kingshighway south of Broadway to I-55, the area around the mall and Siemer's Drive, three small tracts in the northwest part of the city and whole lot of flood plain along the Southern Expressway.
And with a few well-placed
"churches" that the zoning ordinances broadly defines as
"facilities for religious use," businesses catering to the entertainment of some adults could not even operate in those areas.
In short, all of the areas of town with low rent have been regulated into no-sin zones. It almost looks like it was intentional.
![(Photo)](//www.semissourian.com/photos/13/15/90/1315907-L.jpg)
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Areas in light gray show the zoning districts where Adult Entertainment Overlay districts are specifically prohibited. The darker gray circles represent 1000 foot distances from residential districts into one of the four districts - C1, C2, M1 and M2 -- where the AEO is allowed.
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However, even though our spiffy new zoning code appears to be trying to legislate Centers of Sin out of existence, I immediately saw a business opportunity in the restrictions.
Cape Girardeau's zoning
only applies on land therefore the Mississippi is fair game and not under city jurisdiction. I figured if the Cape Girardeau zoning ordinances were going to practically legislate all of the prospective Dens of Sin out of business that I could step up and provide them a zoning-free home where they could ply their goods and services and earn myself a few bucks in the process.
It's a fairly simple business concept. I've tied up a barge down by the river and plan to sublet portions of it to all the Centers of Sin that can no longer operate cost-effectively within the city. I'm calling it
Brad's Big Barge of Debauchery.
I was excited about this news and my latest get-rich-quick-scheme and shared my findings with reporter Rudi Keller who has written several articles about the new zoning ordinances.
Sadly, he pointed out a tiny flaw that has basically derailed my whole business plan.
While the new zoning code has described the Adult Entertainment Overlay District in great detail, apparently no one on the commission has actually bothered to change the language describing any of the main business zoning districts to
exclude Those Types Of Businesses.
For instance, the zoning code says that a business is permitted to operate in the Central Business District if it
"provides, displays, advertises and sells goods, supplies or services to the general public, as long as all activities associated with said business are contained entirely indoors."
That's a pretty inclusive description.
Based on that description, I would say that almost any business including adult bookstores, adult movie theatres, modeling studios, tattoo parlors and even those bathhouses are allowed. They just have to conduct their business indoors.
That's not to say that ALL Dens of Sin are allowed in the Central Business District. It looks like our revised zoning codes have put the kibosh on any X-rated drive-ins and hot dog vendor carts from setting up shop downtown. Those businesses conduct their business outdoors.
And really, does it get anymore wicked than a weenie wagon?
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