- Cape Rolling Out Bloomfield Road Art Trail (8/21/19)1
- Donors Pledge Almost Two Grand To Replace SEMO's Possibly Sentient ‘Gum Tree' (8/16/18)
- SEMO and The Will To (Become A Consultant) – Part 2 (6/14/18)
- SEMO and The Will To Do (You Really Want To See That Legal Notice?) – Part 1 (6/4/18)
- Judge, Jury... Trashman (6/1/18)
- Diary of Cape Girardeau Road Deconstruction (5/11/18)
- Trying To Save A Tree From City “Improvements” (4/30/18)2
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Casino Petition Doesn't Go Far Enough, But This One Does
I applaud the committee that is trying to collect enough signatures to force a re-vote on casino gambling in Cape Girardeau.
It doesn't matter that the citizens of Cape Girardeau voted to allow casino gambling 17 years ago. That was then. This is now.
Now knows better.
We all know that if a casino were to get its slimy grip into our Mayberry-like waterfront that Satan is sure to be whistling right behind with his fishing pole in hand. We obviously don't want that to happen.
So I give a hearty standing-O to the committee trying to get 2,635 signatures from registered Cape Girardeau voters to repeal this blasphemy and keep those shady casino operators from soiling our pristine city.
However, while I am in favor of rescinding this questionable law that is only beneficial to sinners and scofflaws, I don't think the Quality of Life in Cape Girardeau Committee goes quite far enough.
That's why I'm starting my own petition.
There is plenty of other sin afoot and if we're going to have a petition to squish casino gambling, then we might as well stomp the dickens out of these other vices.
For instance, I believe that all gambling is bad, not just casino gambling, so therefore my petition is going to propose that we outlaw the sale of all lottery tickets in the city and shut down that evil bingo parlor on Clark Avenue.
We're also going to make those shameful SuperBowl or March Madness betting pools illegal, as well as that "entry drug" into the evils of gambling, coin flipping.
Calling heads or tails starts impressionable innocents on an immoral path. We can't have that.
Alcohol is also in my sights. Nothing good ever comes from drinking The Devil's Brew, so it has no business in our town. Lemonade -- the "soft" kind -- and sweet tea will be the strongest beverages you will be able to drink in the new-and-improved Cape Girardeau.
The same goes for most forms of dancing. Ballet might be OK, provided their outfits are not TOO revealing. But as to that dancing that is done in places where they sell The Devil's Brew or in schools under the guise of "Prom," those have got to go. Everyone knows that all that gyrating and pulsating just leads to fornicating outside of the sanctity of marriage. Evil.
And I've long believed that we need to reinstate the Sunday blue laws. Businesses have no business being open in our town on the Sabbath. The only place residents should be is going to church, in church, coming back from church or having a home-cooked meal with family where the church sermon can be discussed. Period.
I've also heard that hamsters and gerbils are sometimes used in nefarious acts by certain non-heterosexual couples, so my petition also seeks to ban the possession and ownership of those creatures within the city limits.
Since I would not want any upstarts trying to circulate petitions to repeal any of the things that this petition and the eventual vote successfully bans, I would also make future petitioning a whole lot harder to do. Rather than letting people just sign a piece of paper, we would require that everyone in favor of a particular petition actually show up at specific location and time for personal validation by the County Clerk.
To legally sign a petition you will just need to be present and have a valid driver's license, birth certificate, social security card, green card and a fishing license just to prove that you are who you claim to be.
Now, please don't get the wrong idea. I'm not trying to take an adversarial position on any of these issues. I just want to put these issues on the ballot and let the people decide.
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