Kill Your T.V.

by Jason Parker

.....so then the Italian says, "I got a cannaloni for you" Get it?

I would like to personally thank Coors for making my trips to the gas station beer cooler a mind blow. You remember the butter commercials where the butter bucket would talk as soon as they raised the lid. "Parkay" Well thanks to Coors' genius advertising every time I open the freezer door, I hear "With the TWWIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNSSS" in a very twangy Kid Rockesque voice. Makes me want to buy their brand of golden goodness like the Barenaked Ladies make me believe that a Mitsubishi Galant is so fun to drive that it's like an episode of MTV's Sorority Life inside a four-door import.

And let's not forget that nothing says creative advertising like a Smash Mouth song. Hey now I'm an all star, so I should buy a new car, or possibly some more butter. When I'm 80 I'm sure I'll be hearing Depends adult diapers advertising campaign featuring "Walkin On The Sun".

Not that I'm a creative guru, but does a Kid Rock rip off make you want to buy beer. I hope it's a resounding "NO PARKER, IT DOESN'T." Otherwise you are an idiot and are probably called gullible by your friends. Just ask them, I'm sure they'll tell you you're not and you'll believe them.

The only celebs that could possibly move me to buy anything are the Olsen Twins of Full House fame. Don't ask why, just let it be. Let it be.

Celebrity commercials are everywhere. From Tommy Lee Jones hawking communication companies to Sam Elliot selling beef. Sam Elliot, by the way, for you guys was the Harley riding boyfriend in the Elephant Man. Girls you know him as the dad in the sappy holiday drama Prancer.

From sappy movies to television networks, you can't escape the Baldwin brothers. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. If you hear a voice, and it's whispering then it's a Baldwin brother. From The Learning Channel to Celebrity Mole, I have a theory that at any moment on any random television station somewhere on this planet, there is a Baldwin brother flooding the waves with classic Baldwin scratchy whisper voice.

If you think you're getting Baldwin brother overdose, imagine what creatures in outer space must think. Baldwin signals travel years to the farthest depths of universe. We need to be careful as they might see the Baldwin's as a sign of aggression.