Hurtgen: Listen Attentively

A casual survey of marriage troubles always lists communication as a top issue. As much as we talk to each other, and with each other one, would think that communication would not be an issue. Yet, time and time again, arguments begin, relationships end and marriages dissolve because we cannot communicate with each other.

Of all the counseling, encouragement and communication strategies available there is one grounded in the Bible that can tremendously improve your communication with those you love. The principal comes to us from James 1:19 when he writes, “… be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”

James is advocating we become active and attentive listeners. There are three matters to consider when becoming an active and attentive listener.

First, listen to what is being said, not for how you will respond.

How many times have you been in a conversation with someone and you caught yourself thinking about what you were going to say that you missed what they said? You responded in an irrelevant way simply because you didn’t hear what they said. We can easily get caught in a loop of responding to half or missing all of what was said because we are worried about how we will respond. Active and attentive listening requires our concerted effort to fully hear what was said before responding.

Second, active and attentive listening hears the emotions behind the words.

In a conversation, particularly with someone of a deep and caring nature, it is vital to listen for the words and the emotions behind them, such as joy, sorrow, fear and excitement. Emotions build the relationship and create clearer communication.

A word of caution: Don’t fall into the traps of assuming emotions, assuming motivation or imposing your emotions. Ask, however, clarifying questions such as, “You said you were bothered at work. Were you feeling anxious?” Seek to understand how they are feeling about what they are saying.

Third, listen to listen, not to give a solution.

Sometimes, people just need to talk things through. They don’t want a solution as a sounding board. Active listening doesn’t mean solving everyone’s problems.

The goal of communication is not only to be heard but understood. Active and attentive listening is intentional work to be the type of person who your person says, “They get me”.

Robert Hurtgen is a husband, father, minister and writer. Read more of him at robhurtgen.wordpress.com.