Evolution of divorce, the local view

Lynwood Baptist Church's the Rev. Derek Staples realizes that if he asked which members of his congregation had been affected by divorce, nearly every hand would be raised.

Whether it's through a parent, a child, a sibling or even personal experience, most people -- inside the church and out -- have some ties to divorce.

And with that in mind, it doesn't make sense for churches to ignore the situation, says Staples.

"We're talking about an issue that affects everybody in some way. The question is, as a church do we overlook this disease, or do we say we need to provide the tools to prevent it, or if it happens provide a remedy for peace and restoration?" said Staples.

Churches throughout Southeast Missouri handle divorce in many different ways, depending on Biblical interpretation, beliefs and resources available.

Here's a look at how four local churches from four different denominations deal with it:

Catholic

Church: St. Mary's Cathedral

Divorce in Catholicism can be confusing, especially when it comes to the annulment process, said the Rev. Tom Kiefer, pastor at St. Mary's Cathedral.

"Annulment is not looking at whose fault it was. An annulment doesn't say people were never married, it says the marriage wasn't a sacrament, that there wasn't fidelity, wasn't trust, that they weren't mature enough at the time to make a lifelong decision," said Kiefer.

Kiefer said divorce does not change a person's status in the church, unless he or she remarried without an annulment.

The church really focuses on preparing couples for marriage and then offers counseling and other services if a marriage is struggling.

"We never try to guide a couple one way or another, but help make sure all questions and opportunities are explored before a divorce takes place, so there's time to think about it," said Kiefer.

There are several programs, including one for children whose parents are divorced, to help deal with the pain of separation. There is also a marriage preparation course for couples planning to get married.

Episcopal

Church: Christ Episcopal

"When a person is married they make a solemn vow that they will be together as man and wife until they are parted by death. That's a real thing, but sometimes that real promise is broken," said the Rev. Bob Towner, pastor at Christ Episcopal Church. "The Bible is full of broken covenants."

Towner said society has tried to minimize the guilt associated with a failed marriage.

"Consequently, we end up discounting the pain and the brokenness," he said. "In our church we acknowledge all of the above."

Towner said his church also offers premarital counseling, including meeting with a couple at least five times prior to marrying them.

"It's really hard to get married in our church," he said. "There's this civil union on one hand, in which the clergy are civil servants. And then there's the vocation of marriage, a calling, something you discern with God's help and ask for God's blessing. I think some Episcopal clergy would be more comfortable if those two issues separated."

There is also counseling from the pastor if a married couple is experiencing problems. If a person is divorced, he or she can still hold a leadership position in the church and may remarry, though special permission is needed from the bishop before that can happen, said Towner.

Southern Baptist

Church: Lynwood Baptist

At Lynwood, Staples said he approaches divorce from the Biblical standpoint.

"We make sure any stance we take is a response to God's word, not just something we want to do or don't want to do," said Staples.

Lynwood offers premarital counseling and even gives newlyweds the book "Strengthening your marriage" and other resources.

"We try to do everything we can to place in their hands what is needed for a successful relationship," said Staples. "But we also recognize that divorce is very prominent in society today. I've seen the statistics that say the percentages of divorce is no different inside the church than out. If that's true, then as a church we have failed husbands and wives, we have failed families."

Staples said society has de-emphasized the significance of divorce, and that mindset has crept into the church.

"The church does not take this issue seriously enough in my opinion," said Staples. "We don't provide instruction and the care that's needed to help families maintain a sense of unity."

Lynwood has two licensed counselors available to speak with married couples. If divorce does occur, it does not have an impact on the person's place in the church.

"Divorce is not a scarlet deed. Is it ideal? Absolutely not. Is it God's design? Absolutely not," said Staples. "But we recognize that ours is a fallen world."

United Methodist

Church: Centenary United Methodist

"Centenary has a strong commitment to reaching out to people in need. The pain of divorce is one of the needs that we want to respond to. Divorce brings shock, adjustment, grief, guilt, fear and a host of other emotions and difficulties," said Karen Mustoe, associate pastor.

Centenary recently began offering a support group for people who have been through divorce.

"'Growing Through Divorce' is our attempt to offer a place of compassion and support as people recover from this difficult loss," said Mustoe.

According to Mustoe, the official United Methodist stance on divorce is: "The United Methodist Church is in full support of lifelong faithful marriage but recognizes divorce as a regrettable alternative in the midst of brokenness. It is our hope to reach out to all persons experiencing the pain of divorce and help them through the devastating emotional, spiritual and economic consequences divorce."

cmiller@semissourian.com

335-6611, extension 128