Qualified for president

Can you name all the candidates for the presidency this year? I can't. From what my advisors tell me, there are a couple of preachers and a whole swarm of regular politicians.

I don't pay much attention to any of them because from what I hear, they all speak with forked tongue.

Like always, my Republican friends tell the Democrats will lie to you, and my Democrat friends tell me the same about the Republicans. My friends don't lie, so I guess to be a liar, you got to be a Democrat or a Republican.

I ain't never caught President Reagan in a lie. As a matter of fact, I ain't never heard him say anything. Every time I see him on TV, he's got a big helicopter makin' so much noise he can't hear the dumb questions the news people are askin', and all he does is shake his head and wave his hands.

When he is before a microphone, I usually change channels and get the Muppets or some other educational program, so I can't honestly say I've ever heard our president lie.

I'd sure hate to be throwin' my name into the hat. Even with my spotless background, somebody would probably make up a bunch of lies to tell about me.

Everybody is tryin' to dig out all the dirt they can about all the candidates except them preachers, and we all know what TV preachers are like.

They tell me they've got God campaignin' for 'em but we'll just have to take their word on that. From what my advisors say, they ain't runnin' short on money for the campaign, though. One Sunday's TV sermon will bring in enough tax-free donations to run the campaign.

I guess this feller named Hart has finally decided to leave his name in the hat. What happens if he would get elected? Who knows? He may just decide to pull out again and take his first and second lady with him.

What we need is another president like Harry Truman, only without the piano. He may not always have been right, but he stayed by what he said.

You know, now that I think about it, I just might make a pretty good candidate. Just look at my qualifications. I lie a lot, I would take bribes, and I've never preached or listened to anyone who did.

I know nothin' about world affairs and, due to plain stupidity, would probably start a nuclear war.

You see, I've got about the same qualifications as the rest of these birds, but I'd have to have that helicopter over my head all the time. The only thing I don't have is the piano.

COURTESY of Tom Runnels Publications. Copyrighted and registered by Tom Runnels and Saundra Runnels Revocable Trust. Printed in The Banner Press: March 10, 1988.