~ An OFF! writer gives her take on what's hot, what's not and where to find it in Cape Girardeau

OK, I know what you may be thinking after reading this column title. What Cape Girardeau fashion? But you are wrong, my friend, in assuming that Cape Girardeau is suffering thrombosis to the fashion world of New York. Which it is. But in this arrangement, Cape has managed to blindly stumble into it's own closet -- and come out with a few choice outfits. Thus, I present, Cape Girardeau fashion:

Hoodies and jeans. This is no exaggeration. Visit your local mall or Wal-Mart and look around. Everyone is wearing this. Sure, each fashion subgroup has its own "take" on the style. The Goths wear Slipknot hoodies and jeans with many zippers, chains and pulley systems attached.

Hippies live on -- Samantha Houchin knows the '60s may be over, but there's still room for hippies in today's fashion world. In a long flowing skirt and peasant-inspired shirt she's ready for the festival circuit. The tools to make Houchins' look can be found at Hempies.

Those with a preppier sensibility wear tight-fitting hoodies emblazoned with some sort of extra cool logo, and flare jeans. Hippies and boho girls wear hoodies with dancing bears or pot leaves, and patchwork jeans they made themselves. The emo kids wear hoodies with crying birds on them and tight girl jeans, even if they are boys.

Now the business-minded individual can even purchase a blazer with a hoodie inside, for what I can assume is for casual day at the office. Pair that with some black jeans and you're ready for "The Apprentice!"

Which isn't to say that there aren't people who try to pull it together. There are girls who spend their paycheck at New York and Co., trying to look as polished as possible in a shirt with a -- gasp -- collar on it. However, a recent trip to the aforementioned store window not only afforded me a glimpse of Eva Longoria in a sweater and no pants, but what I can only describe as a "nice" tracksuit. Thanks, New York and Co. You're supposed to be the bastion of snappy dressing in Cape and you're sending them out in sweats?

Because no matter how well it fits, a sweatsuit is a sweatsuit. Blame this perhaps on pics of Paris Hilton and Co. slumming around L.A. in coordinating tracksuits. But remember this, that wasn't only two seasons ago, that was L.A., and nobody should look there for fashion advice. Oh, and Paris' tracksuit easily cost $200 more than yours.

Rock on -- Brittany Gower is ready to party in a rocker chic-inspired outfit, including distressed jeans and heels, provided by The Buckle.

Which brings us to another argument. "Oh, Nicole," you may say, "I can't afford to have taste. Plus I live in Cape Girardeau." Well fear no more!

Today there is an invention called the Internet which allows one to buy clothing from all over the world. And believe me, you don't need to be a millionaire to dress well. I'm a lowly college student and have managed to pull together an impressive wardrobe. Many stores like Target offer low-price clothing which is actually fashionable (not to mention low-end designer apparel -- Isaac Mizrahi, baby!).

Another such store is Wet Seal, where budget fashionistas flock to. If you have trouble locating Wet Seal, simply shine a flashlight into Westfield. Then follow the glare. Today, it seems, the Sex and the City-inspired are dressing in metallic. Which is fine, but don't go overboard. The Wet Seal store window is enough to blind, featuring every manner of gold, silver and sequined belts, purses, jeans and tank tops. Walking into the store is like stepping into a forgotten temple. Just watch for the poison arrows.

All this talk of opulent store display windows leads me to think about a trend which has swept the Midwestern fashion universe as of late. You may have seen what appears to be fishing lures dangling from the arms of many girls. These girls may be dressed ultra-casual or to the nines, be 10 years old or 50. However, they have one thing in common: They are sporting the world's ugliest (read: not fun) purse.

The professional woman -- Michelle Frossard is ready to hang with the big dogs of the corporate world in an essential outfit for the working woman. Sleek and simple, a black collared shirt and gray pinstriped pants create a look that says you mean business. Clothing provided by the model.

Yes, the sequined shopper. It may be covered in big sequins or small, and the colors range from a "subdued" silver and gold to a bright blue, pink or multi. All these purses have in common is lack of class. No matter what fashion subculture you belong to, if you're dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, you look pretty stupid with a disco-ball for a handbag.

And what's even more ridiculous is the fact that people carry these every day, as if a brightly-colored sparkling purse some child at summer camp made while asleep can transition well from outfit to outfit. This trend shocks me, as to why such a subdued hoodie-and-jean "I only wear it if it's comft'able" people can be attracted to such a gaudy monstrosity. Put the $12.99 purse down, ma'am. And while you're at it, step away from last year's Ugg-inspired boots.

I realize it's easy to be negative about the fashion in a small Midwestern town. At least we aren't (mostly) unawaredly stuck in the '80s like many similar places. There exists some semblance of culture in how we dress: Many of us choose a group (athletic, Goth, emo, preppy, vintage) and stick with it. We know what looks good. And we should make it our mission to help others caught in the fashion vortex. Next time your "cool" aunt reaches for a pair of powder-blue shearling boots, guide her to a nice flat.

Shine on, the fashionable of Cape Girardeau (just don't do it with a sequined purse).