Love and respect are keys to good parenting

Dear Dr. Dobson: Could you summarize your philosophy of child rearing in a single paragraph? What's the bottom line?

Dear Reader: Let me emphasize my approach by stating its opposite. I am not recommending that your home be harsh and oppressive. I am not suggesting you give your children a spanking every morning with their ham and eggs, or that you make your boys sit in the living room with their hands folded and their legs crossed. I am not proposing that you try to make adults out of your children so you can impress your adult friends with your parental skill, or that you punish your children whimsically. I am not suggesting that you insulate your dignity and authority by being cold and unapproachable. These parental tactics do not produce healthy, responsible children.

By contrast, I am recommending a simple principle: When you are defiantly challenged, win decisively. When the child asks, "Who's in charge?" tell him. When he mutters, "Who loves me?" take him in your arms and surround him with affection. Treat him with respect and dignity, and expect the same in return.

Dear Dr. Dobson: What encouragement can you offer to those of us who are single parents? Each day seems more difficult than the one before it. Can you help plead our case to those who don't understand what we're facing?

Dear Reader: In my view, single parents have the toughest job in the universe! Hercules himself would tremble at the range of responsibilities people like you must handle every day.

The greatest problem faced by single parents, especially young mothers, is the overwhelming amount of work to be done. Earning a living, fixing meals, caring for children, helping with homework, cleaning house, paying bills, repairing the car, handling insurance, doing the banking, the income tax, marketing, etc., can require 12 hours a day or more. She must continue that schedule seven days per week all year long. Some have no support from family or anyone else. It's enough to exhaust the strongest and healthiest woman. Then where does she find time and energy to meet her own social and emotional needs -- and how does she develop the friendships on which that part of her life depends? This job is no easier for most fathers who may find themselves trying to comb their daughter's hair and explain menstruation to their pre-teen girls.

The only answer is for the rest of us to give them a helping hand. Single parents need highly practical assistance, including the friendship of two-parent families who will take their children on occasion to free up some time. Single moms need the help of young men who will play catch with their fatherless boys and take them to the school soccer game. They need men who will fix the brakes on the Chevy and patch the leaky roof. They need an extended family of believers to care for them, lift them up, and remind them of their priorities. Perhaps most importantly, single parents need to know that someone cares about them and is willing to help share their burden.

Thankfully, churches today are becoming more sensitive to the needs of single parents. More congregations are offering programs and ministries geared to the unique concerns of those with special needs. I'd advise every single parent to find such a church or fellowship group. Fellowship and support can be the key to survival.

Send your questions to Dr. James Dobson, c/o Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80903. Dobson is the chairman of the board for Focus on the Family.