MISSOURI WATCH: THE DAY CONGRESS INVESTIGATED SANTA

Good morning, Mr. Claus. It's a pleasure to see you again and to hear further testimony from you on the subject of illegal operations of your workshop and the strange and unusual practices of your company, particularly as they relate to what you have claimed in recent testimony are free gifts to both deserving and undeserving minors. The Joint Committee on UnYuletide Activities is anxious to hear your testimony on several matters that have as yet not been discussed. Would you please raise your hand and again take the requisite oath?

A: I would be happy to do so, sir. And let me say that I would appreciate any effort by the committee to conclude these hearings, which have now been dragging on for months. I appreciate members' dedication to fuller knowledge of our operations at the North Pole, but this is an extremely busy time of the year for us, and delay in meeting our timetable will have catastrophic consequences in homes around the world.

Q: That brings up an interesting point which we have not covered, Mr. Claus. You have stated for the record you and your associates, most of whom appear to be physically challenged due to their small stature, operate beyond the borders of the continental limits of the United States of America, even disbursing goods and gifts in countries which have not received a most favored treatment designation. Just what is it that compels you to ignore these trade decisions and treaties of the U.S. government?

A: With all due respect, sir, our organization has been doing business, not with governments but with small children, in countries around the world before there was a U.S. government. We have broken no laws, for we established relations with our constituents before any such laws were written.

Q: That may be correct, Mr. Claus, but when you say you have broken no laws, do you not believe that your organization, despite repeated warnings from inspectors from Washington, are even today in violation of hundreds of regulations concerning wage rates, work weeks, working conditions and numerous other rules that are applicable to your operations?

A; With all due respect, sir, our employees are really only volunteers who enjoy working together in completing our appointed tasks. They are not employees in the regular sense, since they receive no salary, have no pension plans and may work as long as they wish during a 24-hour period. In fact, our workers live right in our workshop and if there is any exploitation of these jolly folks, I am unaware of it.

Q: Then you are admitting, Mr. Claus, that your workers are receiving below minimum wages and are forced to reside in the very same building where they actually perform their work?

A: Well, sir, they are permitted to do anything they like, when they want, and I have never in all of my many years ever heard anyone complain. Indeed, Mr. Chairman, these workers are unbelievably happy and contented, primarily because they feel they are performing essential work, receiving joy that far exceeds the small amount of money we would be able to pay them for their exceptional service and dedication.

Q: Does your organization qualify as a not-for-profit business, Mr. Claus?

A: Well, if you're asking if we have a 501(c)3 designation, Mr. Chairman, the answer is no, we do not. But, you see, we receive no money from anyone, and since we manufacture our own products, we really have no need for a treasurer, an accountant, a lawyer or even a computer.

Q: There are rumors, Mr. Claus, that your organization is being funded by subversive governments, drug smugglers and dangerous underworld organizations. Although government investigators can find no secret bank accounts, this committee is puzzled about your financial structure and our special counsel is of the opinion that you may be printing counterfeit money. Would you discuss this point, and if you wish to confer with your attorneys, you may do so.

A: With all due respect, Mr. Chairman, Santa doesn't have any lawyers, having never required their services.

Q: Does that mean that Santa Claus is not even a legal corporation?

A: It does, sir. Why would we need a corporation? We're not selling anything. We give gifts to kids.

Q: Yes, but you are engaged in interstate and around-the-world commerce.

A: That's true, sir, but you see we deliver products by reindeer and never really cross borders when we travel.

Q: What do you mean, you deliver by reindeer? Are you not aware that reindeer have been declared an endangered species and are protected by federal legislation? If you don't cross borders, how do you deliver your gifts?

A: By air, sir.

Q: By air? Have you registered these flights with the FAA and the Air Safety Board? And if not, why not? I believe it would be appropriate at this moment to warn you, Mr. Claus, that your testimony has become increasingly damaging to your credibility and your willingness to operate within the legal framework of the United States of America.

A: With all due respect to your sovereignty, Mr. Chairman, the young children who receive our gifts once a year are not of any nationality for each has a unique yet sacred birthright. They are the gifts of our Creator, entitled to receive whatever is good and just in a world that seems to have forgotten goodness and justice. If our workshop can deliver one hour of pleasure to young, beautiful and innocent children, don't you think we have a purpose and a reason to exist?

Q: Well, when you put it that way... the committee stands in recess until things return to normal. Even we aren't dumb enough to indict Santa Claus just before Christmas!

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of Missouri News and Editorial Service.