MISSOURIANA

Poor Bill Clinton can't win for losing. He gets a deluxe $200 haircut and still has that pesky Ross Perot in his hair.

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Now that David Gergen, an older journalist, has joined the Clinton team, the average age of Bill's advisers has gone up to 26.3 years.

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Since so many Hollywood stars are sleeping in his bedroom, Lincoln's ghost has recently been seen wearing a gold chain and shades.

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An Army general calls President Clinton every name in the book. This is one member of the military who's definitely not gay.

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Although there aren't any funds, St. Louis officials say their new rapid transit system will open soon. They're raising money by holding signs that read: "Will work for fuel."

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America's homeless population has increased rapidly in recent days because so many Democratic congressmen who voted for Clinton's tax bill are now afraid to leave Washington.

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Those White House travel people who were fired were later charged with a serious crime: not being born in the state of Arkansas.