SHEDDING LIGHT ON THE CAPE DARK AGES

Memo from the Dark Ages:

Hello, is anyone out there?

Some time back, I requested that barbarians kindly refrain from reading this column. Looks bad for the demographics. Further, they are more likely to write me unintelligible letters written in animal blood.

Now, I find out that nothing but barbarians are reading. What a letdown.

This information came to me courtesy of The Riverfront Times, a St. Louis publication that is usually a nifty read but not nearly as ahead-of-the-curve as it lets on.

An article, headlined "Divided They Fall?", concerned the U.S. Senate race in Missouri, specifically the dilemma of Democrats who are divided in their considerations by matters of race and gender.

One Democratic candidate, U.S. Rep. Alan Wheat of Kansas City, expressed his belief in the article that he has the potential for an effective statewide candidacy.

One source, identified only as a "political insider," differed with this view.

"I don't think he has a rat's-ass chance of winning -- he's black, for God's sake!" offered this sage. "He'll do fine in St. Louis and Kansas City, but down in Cape Girardeau they're still living in the Dark Ages."

Well, there you have it. And we just thought the cable service was wanting.

We wasted all that time worried about the Murray State Racers playing our Indians. The concern should have been about invading Visogoths and Jutes.

Sure, there are Germanic tribes in our midst ... but they're friendly, they do the polka.

Of Middle Ages superstition was born the idea of trial by ordeal. OK, so maybe The Riverfront Times was tipped off to our local gambling rift.

With due respect to that publication and their source, I doubt "Dark Ages" accurately captures the state of affairs in Cape Girardeau. We experience some dismal days -- I remember when The Gap closed -- but life here can hardly be described as medieval.

It may seem futile at times, but never feudal.

Our life in this burgh is not so far removed from existence in St. Louis. Well, there is one difference: When there's a killing here, it's rare enough to be front-page news.

Otherwise, you have a signature monument (the Gateway Arch) and we have a signature monument (Cape Rock). See, we didn't have to invent one.

You have Leonard Slatkin, we have Lou Hobbs. Slatkin has a name that's recognized in symphonic circles in Brussels, but does he have his own TV show?

St. Louis has the Cardinals, Cape Girardeau has the Capahas. There is admittedly a difference here ... the Capahas probably have some live arms on their pitching staff.

There is a football stadium in Cape Girardeau, there is one being built in St. Louis. Houck Field has two teams that call it home. And in St. Louis, how many teams occupy the stadium?

In my presence the other day, a colleague used the phrase "two-holer" and I understood the meaning. But that doesn't mean our indoor plumbing isn't valued.

Seldom do I walk along Broadway and see sagebrush blown or yee-haws evoked.

Oh, yes. And there are people in Cape Girardeau who perpetuate stereotypes. And there are sources of The Riverfront Times who do the same.

Of Missouri's nine members in Congress, Alan Wheat has the most liberal voting record, according to recent research done by Roll Call magazine. He voted against the Persian Gulf War, voted against the Strategic Defense Initiative, voted against a trade embargo of Cuba, voted for a bill providing abortions for overseas military personnel.

And that is probably the reason, if any of this is adequately articulated by Mr. Wheat's opponents, that he won't fare well in Cape Girardeau or even among Southeast Missouri Democrats, who most likely don't see eye-to-eye with him on these issues.

And that, in turn, will give some political insider, not to mention Riverfront Times writers, license to spin Cape Girardeau's clock back 14 centuries or so.

And that, in turn, will supply the need for me to climb down off the turnip wagon, pick the straw from my teeth and aw-shucks my views to the contrary.

Ken Newton is editor of the Southeast Missourian.