Grief

Not something to “get over”

George: Will you love me for the rest of my life?

Lace: No. I’ll love you for the rest of mine.

— “Phenomenon”

When my father died, the loss was sudden and disorienting. I couldn’t sleep. My brain felt fuzzy. My husband and dear friends took care of my children — aged 7, 4 and not quite 1 at the time — while my sister, mother and I planned the funeral. Casseroles and pans of brownies were delivered. People nodded knowingly when I would stop mid-sentence and wave my hand as the tears came. Ten years later, I am moving through my life when I hear “It Had to Be You” on the grocery store muzak or see a man with a gray mustache sauntering out of the gas station with his cup of coffee or notice my son gives a familiar clenched-teeth smile when I ask for a picture, and my eyes well. I hope no one notices.

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced the “stages of grief” in her 1969 monograph “On Death and Dying.” Since then, those stages have been popularized not only as the stages dying patients go through, but also the stages of bereavement: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. While many people will experience these emotions, psychology experts caution against expecting every bereaved person to go through all the stages in a linear order. That’s an oversimplification that can put undue pressure on the bereft and lead those around them to make hasty generalizations about where they “should” be in the grieving process.

In 2017, Twitter user Lauren Herschel shared an analogy for grief her doctor told her. It is a way of thinking about grief that resonates with many people. She asked them to imagine a box that has a ball inside, which is grief, and a button, which is pain. In the beginning, immediately after a loss, the ball is so large, a person can barely move through their daily life without it hitting the pain button. Over time, the ball begins to shrink. It is still in the box, but it hits the pain button less and less often. However, when it does hit, it can be completely random and unexpected. The pain button still delivers the same amount of pain no matter how large or small the ball is. How big is the ball in your own box? How do you deal with the pain?

Saint Francis Hospice Services in Cape Girardeau offers a bereavement support group called Stepping Stones to anyone who has suffered a loss. Fred Burgard, hospice chaplain at Saint Francis, says that support is needed because this may be “their first major loss. It’s a new normal for them.” At bereavement support meetings, people introduce themselves and share their losses, which leads to conversations on a variety of topics. He adds that people’s bereavement needs will vary based on the relationship they had with the person who died.

The relationship a child had with a lost loved one can present unique challenges. Lynn Boren, SoutheastHEALTH Hospice Volunteer Coordinator and Community Educator, organizes a C.O.O.L. (Children Overcoming Outstanding Loss) Camp. She states that while children’s grief is similar to that of adults, they “do not have the life experiences or the verbal and coping skills of adults.” She adds that “when people grieve, they feel their life is out of control. For kids, this is especially true, because quite often, there is very little they have control over.” At C.O.O.L. camp, children and teens are taught how to react to their feelings. The camp reminds them of supportive people they can go to when they need help, as well as lays the foundation for overcoming all types of losses they may encounter in life.

“Harvesting Our Tears” is a faith-based, peer-led program that helps participants understand and develop ways of working through grief. It has been offered in recent years by various local churches, including St. Vincent de Paul in Cape Girardeau.

If people are hesitant or their schedule can’t accommodate attending a support group, they should consider individual counseling with a counselor or pastor. Talking with supportive friends and family can also help. My sister and I recognized we were having more “grief bursts” as we approached a decade without our dad. While not having him around has become our normal, when our kids hit milestones like preparing to graduate from high school, his absence is more keenly felt. We find that shedding a few tears together while sharing stories eases the burden when that ball inevitably hits the pain button.

You never “get over” the loss of a loved one. But you can learn to cope with their loss and honor them in how you live.