Department of Revenue (Sin Division)

I've been thinking.

Which -- as you well know, Kind Reader -- can be dangerous for everyone, including me.

Look at the terrible financial mess a lot of states are in. I really feel sorry for governors and legislators who have to tell taxpayers: Folks, I want to give you everything you want, but I'll have to double -- no, make that triple -- your taxes.

What's happened, as you all know, is this: During the boom times of the 1990s, when stock market indexes became fervently worshipped financial idols, states acted like a lot of American families that bought SUVs or minivans even though their kids were married and gone. They financed those top-of-the-line vehicles for five years and lost their jobs a year later, leaving 48 monthly payments with no paychecks and pitiful -- if any -- savings accounts.

Joe Sixpack and Sally Soccermom had a couple of options: filing for unemployment compensation or bankruptcy. Unfortunately, states could do neither.

So now your favorite politician, who has grown accustomed to giving you what you ask for so you'll know how to vote in the next election, is forced to stand before you, hat in hand -- well, if politicians wore hats, they would -- and mutter platitudes about "hard times" and "tightening the belt."

As a result, what we have in Missouri are highways so full of potholes that MoDOT bigwigs are forced to fly in state airplanes and overstaffed colleges are forcing full professors to teach classes -- not to mention the hold-your-nose plight of a prison system forced to build more penitentiaries, unopened because there's not enough cash to operate them, to accommodate inmates who receive mandatory jail time.

In a nutshell, the money-handling records of most states stink. Now lawmakers are looking at your checking accounts and my paycheck for relief.

If there's a sacred cow in all of this, it's the Department of Training Kids to Pass State-approved Assessment Tests, otherwise known as government-sponsored public education.

The politicians tell us they might have to close a state university or two, or restrict the highway patrol to riverboat casino security, or eliminate the Advisory Board for Licensed Pet Groomers. But by gum, state funding for our public schools must be protected at all costs from the Big Bad Budget Gap.

As a result, we've seen some creative thinking on the part of the folks we picked to hold public office. Some Missouri legislators propose to give local school districts the authority to impose -- with voter approval -- short-term income taxes or sales taxes for specific projects. Others want to make sure all of the state's gambling revenue is divided equally among every public-school student in the state.

Ah, sin. That's the modern way to fund the schools where we expect youngsters to develop a moral foundation. It all started with taxes on cigarettes and alcohol, both of which can kill you. But we really don't want anyone to stop smoking or drinking, do we? Think what the state treasury's bank balance would be if everyone had clean lungs and stayed sober.

Then came gambling, innocent bingo and raffles at first, followed by the lottery and now full-blown casinos -- as long as they are surrounded by river water stored in ponds expressly for the purpose of keeping state government afloat.

Some politicians in the great state of Nevada want to tax prostitutes. Which, if approved, would turn the governor there into the state's No. 1 pimp.

Here's an idea: Add classes like Gambling Basics and Slot Machine Repair and Maintenance to the public-school curriculum. From now on, everyone will have to know how to double down.

R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.