ATHENS, Ga. -- Need a quick A? Enroll in "Coaching Principles and Strategies of Basketball" at the University of Georgia -- no attendance required.
Having trouble getting into school? Take a look at St. Bonaventure, where a smooth jumper and a welding torch are enough for admission.
Need to make a long-distance call? Check out Villanova, which offers the unbelievably low rate of zero cents a minute after they hook you up with the (wink-wink) secret code.
Maybe LeBron James has the right idea, after all. If this is the state of college basketball, he's better off jumping straight to the pros.
March Madness? You bet.
Instead of talking seeds and brackets, the sport is reeling from scandal and outrage. During the last two weeks, the seedy side of college sports has been exposed -- and it's not pretty.
Georgia, St. Bonaventure and Fresno State pulled the plug on their seasons because of academic malfeasance, while Villanova suspended 12 players who allegedly made unauthorized phone calls using a school access code.
And don't forget Michigan, which already had barred itself from this postseason after a booster admitted lending hundreds of thousands of dollars to players.
Who's to blame? How much time do you have?
There are the presidents, preaching academics but in some cases more concerned with winning games than GPAs. There are the coaches, doling out scholarships to kids who have mean crossover dribbles but no idea how to get to class. And there are the so-called student-athletes, happily getting something for nothing as long as they can still get to the pros.
"You can't legislate integrity," Clark Kellogg, an analyst at CBS Sports, said Tuesday. "It's a societal issue. It's a character issue. It's a heart issue. Do you want to do what's right or do you want to get beyond by doing what's wrong? Do you want to buy a trophy or do you want to earn it?"
From the looks of things, plenty of schools are willing to take the moral low road. Look what happened at Georgia.
President Michael Adams notes the academic strides made by his school, where the last freshman class averaged 1215 on the SAT and a 3.71 grade-point average. He was even a member of the Knight Commission, which has pushed for reforms and greater presidential control in athletics.
"We take our academic integrity seriously," Adams said. "Sports are usually a nice sidelight to our main function."
But he also hired Jim Harrick in 1999, ignoring the coach's highly suspicious resume. Harrick already had been fired from one job for lying on an expense report.
At the time, however, Georgia had gone through two dismal seasons on the court and Harrick was clearly one of the nation's top coaches, winning a national championship at UCLA in 1995.
More concerned with turning things around than an impeccable reputation, Adams hired Harrick and looked the other way on the state's anti-nepotism law, allowing the coach to hire his son as an assistant.
Just four years later, those decisions came back to haunt the Bulldogs.
A former player, Tony Cole, accused Jim Harrick Jr. of paying off bills, performing schoolwork and teaching a bogus class on coaching. Cole also claims he bought a television with a credit card provided by the elder Harrick.
Harrick now acknowledges he made a "huge mistake" recruiting Cole, who had bounced around numerous high schools and junior colleges before winding up in Athens.
His academic credentials were suspect. His character was troubling. But Georgia needed a point guard, so Harrick took a chance. He wound up kicking Cole off the team for repeated violations. Cole struck back by going public with his allegations of wrongdoing.
As it turned out, Harrick Jr. was fired, his father was suspended with pay and the program was left in shambles.
Georgia, ranked No. 21 in the latest AP poll, was a lock to make the NCAA tournament -- until the school discovered that two current players were involved in the same academic fraud that Cole alleged.
On Monday, the school called off the season while it investigates alleged payoffs and bogus classes.
Even that move seemed a bit self-serving.
Georgia is clearly trying to lessen the wrath of the NCAA by working to root out its problems. Meantime, players who did nothing wrong learned via television that their season was over.
"It's like the world has come to an end," said Fred Gibson, a backup guard. "A couple of players were crying. Everybody was so emotional. We took it really hard. ... It's just crazy. I can't believe this happened."
Kentucky coach Tubby Smith argues that things aren't as bad as they seem, but perception is ruling the day.
"It affects everybody," Smith said. "It affects the NCAA and college basketball coaches in a very negative way."
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