The complaint: People who sit through the credits

You are fooling no one. You know who you are. You are impressing no one, and it is time you learned the truth: Nobody thinks you're smart because you sit through the closing credits at the end of movies.

You do this all the time (and particularly at the end of Miramax films). The movie concludes, the houselights come up, and you silently pretend to be fascinated by the cast listing. Somehow, this is supposed to indicate that you are a serious person. What this actually proves is that you are an inefficient person, because all the information you are pretending to ascertain is already on the Internet (check out imdb.com). Besides, most of that information doesn't matter to anyone who doesn't actively work in the film industry. You do not have a favorite gaffer. You do not care what record label released the soundtrack. You do not know the difference between the motion caption coordinator and the environmental technical director, so why would you care who these people are or who their first assistants are?

Now, I realize you do this because you believe your date will think you're intellectual. She does not. She either thinks you're a pretentious fraud (which you are), or she suddenly feels insecure (because she can't figure out why she's supposed to care who the secondary location scout was). The movie is over. Leave the theater. Go to the bathroom.