Kill Your T.V.

by Jason Parker

Hey fat ass, cut the sugar, ranch, and Miracle Whip. During a weight loss contest at work I managed to lose 27 pounds in 12 weeks without exercising, Dr. Atkins, or starving myself. Granted, 6 of those pounds were lost the night before the final weigh-in thanks to some extreme measures, but I'm still down and honest 21 pounds. Am I bragging? Yes. Am I also trying to help you members of "Fat America" by passing along a little knowledge? Yes.

I was drinking at least a half gallon of sweet tea a day, if not more. I put two cups of sugar in each gallon. I also liked to coat mashed potatoes, chicken, veggies, and salad in ranch dressing. How did I give up two weaknesses like that? Besides a $325 cash prize my other motivation was that I finally looked in the mirror one day and admitted that I should be named Porker, not Parker. 12 weeks later I feel better about myself, sleep great, the sun shines brighter, and I actually get checked out by complete strangers once in a while. And we all know that meaningless attention from people you will pass by only once in your life is a nice ego boost.

Now on to what I should have talked about last month but got too caught up in personal matters to attend to. On Sunday nights during Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network is a diamond in the rough. If you have never experienced The Aqua Teen Hunger Force, you need to do so this Sunday night, and every Sunday night after. If you can't muster a hardy chuckle or even a slight smirk after spending 15 minutes with Mix Master Shake, Frylock, Meatwad, and Carl then you are obviously a communist who deserves to be flogged, plain and simple. If you are too tech to watch television on Sunday nights then download as many episodes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force as you can then watch them. Hey, it sure beats this realty television craze by a long shot.

Thirdly and finally, thanks to the talent booking of local EverSeven Productions, Hotel Faux Pas is coming to Cape, June 14th at the River City Yacht Club. "Hotel Faux what", you ask? That was my exact response when I first saw the flyer. Then I was loaned a CD of Hotel Faux Pas a few weeks later and I must recommend them to you. The CD, titled Five Dead Scotsmen is filled with thought provoking, satirical, and folksy-pop tunes that will make you think, laugh, and choke at the same time. Hotel Faux Pas is described as "Wacky, original, inventive, irreverent, quirky, folk-pop-rock for emancipated minors". Think They Might Be Giants jams with Andy Kaufman while watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Hotel Faux Pas is known as much for their non stop stage entertainment as they are known for their satirical view of pop culture. Their stage presence is Andy Kaufman-like in that you don't know what to expect, but you can expect an evening of pure fun and true entertainment. Imagine someone dressed as Abe Lincoln appearing in the crowd shouting at the band between songs. It happened and it's all part of Hotel Faux Pas' extremely entertaining show.

I bid you peace, my friends.