Revealing the secret gay agenda

The Supreme Court's ruling forcing government out of Americans' bedrooms prompted giant front-page headlines and lots of reaction last week.

Most of it was from straight people going, "That was illegal somewhere?"

But gays were elated when justices struck down a Texas law that made sodomy illegal for same-sex couples and, by extension, struck down similar laws regarding same-sex and/or opposite-sex partners in 12 other states. As Justice Anthony M. Kennedy wrote for the majority, the Texas law demeaned gays by making their private conduct illegal.

The dissenting opinion criticized the "homosexual agenda," and conservative pundits howled about how the ruling would ultimately result in the demise of the Constitution and America itself!

These people seem to be unusually interested in what gays do privately. So, for their benefit, I have sneakily obtained the secret "so-called homosexual agenda." It is from the personal digital assistant of Hugh, an actual homosexual who is living, working and paying taxes in Columbia, Mo.

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7:45 a.m. Wake up.

8:20 a.m. Wake up again and stay awake.

8:35 a.m. Drive to work. Consider adding "reserved, closer parking" to the list of gay and lesbian "special rights" demands.

9:15 a.m. Listen to straight co-workers describe their weekend activities with their husbands, wives, boyfriends and girlfriends. Muse about why these people are so obsessed with sex and why they must flaunt their lifestyle at every opportunity.

11:20 a.m. Tell straight male co-worker that you want aubergine in your bedroom.

11:21 a.m. Explain to straight male co-worker that aubergine is, in fact, a color and not the name of the new dancer down at the strip club.

2 p.m. When asked if there are any other concerns at the end of the department-wide meeting, decide to say nothing to your boss about how that dress is wrong, wrong, wrong for her. And that hair!

3:13 p.m. Patiently explain to joking straight male co-worker that no, you have never been remotely attracted to him physically.

3:14 p.m. Assure pouting straight male co-worker that yes, he's very attractive, just simply not your type.

6:30 p.m. Try to fit in. Go to company softball game. Stop referring to the official as the "referee."

8:45 p.m. Take advantage of straight people. Before leaving softball game, ask straight male or lesbian to fix your windshield-wiper thingy. After arriving home, go outside and ask straight male neighbor to please kill the spider you found in your bathroom. You swear it hissed at you.

11:45 p.m. Go to bed.

Long-term lesbian and gay agenda:

1. Live without fear.

2. Have the liberty to be who we are.

3. Be free to pursue our happiness. How much more American can you get?

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My guess is a lot of people scared by last week's ruling don't really know any gay or lesbian people. They haven't had the benefit that I did 11 years ago of sitting down with Ted Fedler right here in Cape Girardeau, the first openly gay person I'd ever met, and asking a lot of questions I now realize were ridiculous but needed answering so I could move on with our friendship.

Now I know gay people want the same thing I do: a productive life and someone to share it with. If the court's ruling opens the way for that to happen, more power to those fair-minded justices.

Heidi Hall is managing editor of the Southeast Missourian.