The Secret Scene

by Leroy Grey

When you meet me, don't ask me what my favorite movie is. It's a loaded, potentially infinite question. People who like movies have a favorite movie. People who love movies treat movies the way other people treat the buffet counter.

I was talking with this dude in a Dead Milkmen shirt, and the subject of movies came up. I think he mentioned "Fight Club" and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," and maybe the new Spiderman movie, and then he asked me about my favorite movies. I started jawing about the cyberpunk classic "Tetsuo: The Iron Man", and the greatest war film to never play in America, "Battle Royale." I threw in "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains," the film that started the career of Laura Dern, and ended the career of the creators of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" (and I am adamant that it's the film that inspired the White Stripes.) Of course, I had to bring up "Even Dwarves Started Small", the 60's German art flick with an all-midget cast. I was just about to pontificate on the whimsy of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" when I realized that his eyes were glazing over.

Just like yours are, right now.

It was at that moment that I realized that I'm an elitist. Not like that snotty record store clerk that rolls his eyes whenever someone decides to buy a Clay Aiken CD, even if it's a gift for someone else... I don't think I act like that. But I'm the kind of guy that gets all the references to other movies that get snuck into a movie. I'm the kind of guy that won't go to a video store if I know the manager hasn't seen "Pulp Fiction". I'm the kind of guy that finds out about a remake, and I instinctively have to find the original, to find out just how much the remake will suck. And I'm the kind of guy that totally, totally digs the movies that 98% of the world hasn't seen.

I think of it this way: I love movies, even the blockbusters and critical faves. But there's a special place in my heart for the movies that just haven't gotten enough love from the rest of the world. That's why I write this column in the first place.

This issue, I was feeling topical and patriotic, so I looked for some cult classics for the 4th.

My first review is for the horror film UNCLE SAM, because a holiday isn't a holiday, unless it has a slasher movie attatched to it. Christmas, Valentines, and St Patty's Day do. Of course, "Uncle Sam" borrows heavily from the holiday hackin' pater familias, JOHN CARPENTER'S HALLOWEEN.

Just like Michael Myers, 'Uncle Sam' returns to his personal Smallville, wearing a mask and killing all the naughty people in very bloody ways. Uncle Sam's particular pet peeves are un-American ones: flag-burning, draft-dodging, dope-smoking, corrupt politicians and lawyers, off-key performances of "The Star Spangled Banner"...

It's tough to say who I'd recommend this movie to. First off, for anyone who's seen a slasher film before, there are no surprises. You know who's going to get killed off as soon as they open their mouths, and you don't feel bad for them when it happens. How they die isn't the bloodiest or scariest; they just stick with the whole '4th of July' theme so hard, the kills in "Uncle Sam" are the horror movie equivalent of bad puns (I liked the Abraham Lincoln bit, however.)

For those who just watch movies, "Uncle Sam" tries to be too many things. See, the "Uncle Sam" character is a Gulf War vet who was killed by friendly fire, resuscitated by his hatred of humanity, and resurrected by the ashes of an American flag spilling into his open grave. Every ten minutes, there's some side discussion in the film about patriotism versus zealotry, being a hero versus being a soldier versus being a killer, about the danger of fostering secrets for the sake of 'the children', and other high-falutin' themes that just murky up the plot. But as much as it may want to be a 'complex' film, the characters and dialogue are as paper-thin as movies get. The result is, quite simply, boring. And when you've got a boring villain, you've got a bad movie.

I guess I could recommend it to anybody who dug the Love Boat, because there's a boatload of second-tier actors in this sucker. P.J. Soles (the other girl from Halloween) plays the prickly mom of the spooky blind kid in the wheelchair (because of a fireworks accident, natch.) Robert Forster (JACKIE BROWN) shows up as the vain politician, Timothy Bottoms (the best George W Bush look-a-like ever) plays the schoolteacher with a secret. The best of the bunch has to be Isaac Hayes; he plays an ex-vet, the only black guy in town, and the only man who believes the kids when they say that there's a killer in town. The guys from SOUTH PARK had to have seen this...

I got into this line of work to talk about movies I love, so let me talk about a true cult classic: MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL. This was the first movie where I met people that knew every line. EVERY LINE. (I went to a computer college.)

For those of you who don't understand the hilarity of the air-speed velocity of an unladen European Swallow, let me explain...

The Monty Python comedy troupe produced one of the most influential and still-enjoyed sketch comedy shows of all time. After three years, this British show was cancelled, but their success in other countries (such as US broadcasts on PBS) gave the boys a green light for a full-length film. The Quest for the Holy Grail was the perfect thread for their bits; the mythological trip took forever, so that left plenty of time for wandering into all sorts of odd characters. Consider King Arthur's fight with the Black Knight, or Sir Galahad's encounter with the virgins of Castle Anthrax. Consider the Knights who say "Ni!" or Sir Robin's showdown with the 3-headed Knight. Consider Tim. Consider the French...

Whether your idea of funny is irregular dinner settings or a kick in the crotch, you'll find "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" funny. If you can enjoy both irregular dinner settings and a kick in the crotch (observing), you'll find the movie very funny. If you enjoy experiencing these kind of things, may I suggest this movie, a napkin, and a bag of ice...

Incidentally, "Holy Grail" is being adapted for performance on the Broadway stage. So far, Hank Azaria ("Simpsons"), David Hyde Pierce ("Frasier"), and Tim Curry (CONGO... and ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW) are signed on. They open in Chicago this Christmas, and should be on Broadway by the spring. I'm so conflicted about this...

Only two movies? Am I slacking? Nah, just saving up for the next issue, which'll be here tout suit. See ya then...