The terrors of growing old

People who are neither teachers nor students are saying to themselves right now, "Yeah, that's right, you little punks. Back to school with ye, ain't it? You little scurvies can't escape it now." OK, I honestly didn't mean for the working class to come off as pirates, but you get the idea. I thought it might add a little terror into the hearts of those who do have to ... (gulp) ... go back to school.

Anyway, it's going to be a lot different for those who graduated along with me this year. We don't have the comfort of our old hallways to walk through.

Some of us don't even have the same bed to sleep in. Some of us are going to have to share a bathroom with multiple people. And not have air conditioning. And not have the privacy to walk through the living room naked after getting out of the shower to get something to drink when no one else is home.

It's these things that really get me wondering, "What in God's name am I doing going to college? Am I crazy?" I've never had to share a room with any brothers or sisters or any immediate family, for that matter. Now I'm going to be sleeping 5 feet from a complete stranger who could very likely murder people in his sleep or, even worse, wet the bed.

And, of course, this is the time of year when everyone our age is saying to one another, "So where are you going to school this year?"

"SEMO, for now," I'll say casually, "How about you?"

"That's a good school, but as for myself, I'm going to the University of Geniuses and Rich People," my friend will say.

"Oh," another person chimes in, "after making a 36 on the ACT, I've been given a full ride to Smart and Successful Snobs University."

"But SEMO is a good school," they'll always say at the end of every demoralizing sentence.

And you know what? It IS a good school. At least from the people I've talked to that go there. They have excellent academic records, successful fraternities that give a lot to the community, and it's a short ride home to let Mom do the frequent loads of laundry. So I can't complain.

The sad part is that I know I will come back to go to parties here during the occasional weekend. Most likely, I'll already be considered the creepy old guy that hangs out with high school kids.

"What is he doing here?" a senior girl will ask.

"Didn't he graduate like five years ago?" her boyfriend will say as he walks up to her.

That's when my creepy old friends and I make a quick and quiet escape while those darned teenagers savor every moment of their youth.

In closing, I'd like to say I hope no one has had a busy and productive summer. And if you have, I want you to drop everything you are doing right now and have a little fun. School is just a hop, skip and a quick stroll through the living room naked away!

Sam DeReign is a graduate of Oran High School.