The Dharma Bum

by Jaysen Buterin

"America is the only country to have gone from barbarity to decadence without ever having first gone through civility" - Oscar Wilde

Did you ever stop and wonder how you've made it this far? I don't holistically mean us as a species because I'm still convinced we're just someone else's science experiment left unattended and gone horribly awry. I mean individually, just stopping and pondering all the stupid things you've done in utter amazement that you still have all your fingers and toes and haven't brought about any mortal catastrophes yet. After running into the edifice of a Wal-Mart on a motor scooter, falling out of a two-story window, and swallowing a quarter, I'm still here, well more or less anyway. Now I'm just slightly jaded, a tad bit cynical, a little more tattooed, a lot more ballyhooed, and still trying to figure out how I've made it this far.

Amongst my travels I recently saw a bumper sticker that read, "If you don't vote, then SHUT UP and stop complaining!" For those of you that know me, you may know that from time to time I'm occasionally inclined to express my displeasure with something through various little diatribes, and there is no way I'm passing this up! So needless to say I did vote - my dearest Kindal and I went together. Of course, I wrote her in for President but we have yet to hear back from the White House on when we can move in, I can only esteem because of all this nonsense going on in Florida. Hopefully by the time this graces the streets dear readers, it will all be sorted out. If not, then I've got a few ideas of my own that will straighten out all this silliness quicker than Willam ever sees the schooner, mean sailboat.

First off, we stop all this ballot recounting nonsense, which has grated on everyone's last nerve. While the media seems only too happy to give us the meticulously dull minute-by-minute coverage of what breakfast cereal the judge had who will make the decision of whether to hear the charges of the decision to cast a vote on the process being litigated - blah, blah, blah.

Even worse, think about the poor people who have to do the manual recount by hand, jobs like that are about as exciting as watching paint peel. Look folks I can solve this whole debacle real easily. At first I thought that age-old sagacity of "Paper-Rock-Scissors" would dictate the winner. But then Al Gore would probably wax semantic about what kind of rock it was - sedimentary, igneous, or metamorphic and then probably claim that he invented the rock; while George W would claim by judicial precedent that rock should rightfully break through paper, not concede to paper. So that's out. Then I had the epiphany of a really good game of chicken - you know like in Footloose - Kevin Bacon and that other guy on tractors hurling at each other speeds of five miles an hour or greater. But I doubt either candidate wears sneakers, probably show up in penny loafers or boots or something, so one couldn't get stuck and then it just wouldn't be any fun.

So I had my third idea, which I think would be the most magnanimous and egalitarian: the Steel Cage Death Match. Think about it, Al & George in spandex-clad "wrasslin" outfits in a fight to the finish, mano y mano. And we don't let any of those fan boys at CNN or C-SPAN cover it either, this goes straight to pay-per-view! If both candidates happen to meet their demise, well, would that really be so bad? If that happened, we could go with my back-up plan. America, say hello to your new administration, Jaysen Buterin and Denis Leary on the Drunken Angry Irishmen party!

Has a nice ring to it doesn't it? See kids, it'd be rather simple - in four years Denis and I could fix all the country's problems so that the next elections candidates would have nothing to argue about and would simply acquiesce to Denis and I for another four years. Where do Mr. Leary and I stand on the issues you may be wondering, well, allow me to enlighten you.

First off, we'd replace the Capital Punishment policy with guillotines and public hangings - think about it, if you drive into a town and see a guillotine and gallows; chances are you're probably not going to commit a crime. Crime goes down, pretty soon the prisons would clear out, thus we kill two birds with one stone - hey, and we could bring back stonings too!

Second issue, gays in the military, this ones real easy. As long as you want to shoot guns and kill the enemy you can be attracted to whomever you want. Because as we should all know, ones amorous predilection doesn't really interfere with ones ability to drive a tank, fly a jet, or push the shiny red button that launches missiles at bad guys.

Thirdly, and this is more of a personal issue, we'd institute a national policy so that each person caught talking aimlessly on their cell phone while driving would be pulled over by Erik Estrada and Sheriff Lobo, and maybe even Fish from Barney Miller. They'd take away your cell phone and throw it in the middle of oncoming traffic where your 450 different rings and other cacophonic noises would be smashed quicker than Corey Feldman at a VH-1 "Where Are They Now" after party. And of course if you're just fed up with this bi-partisan nonsense, we could always bring back the monarchy.

And now for something completely different

So now dear readers as I'm running out of space, please move to one side and allow me to step down from my soapbox. On a more altruistic and lighter note, I must give accolades and adulations to my dearest Kindal, who along with the other grad students in the dance department here at UNCG, sold out both nights of their debut concert. Of course the depth of knowledge I possess on the intrinsic fundamentals of dance could possibly fill a shot glass, but damn if it don't look purdy. Therefore as the sun sets slowly in the West, I bid you a fond farewell, from our victory celebration where Denis Leary and I will be drinking coffee-flavoured coffee and complaining all we want because, God bless America, we voted and anyway, we've made it this far.