The flu, and how to avoid it

Several years ago -- it was March 1995, to be exact -- I had one of the worst bouts of flu in my entire life.

You might kindly inquire, "How bad was it, Joe.?"

Let's just say that I felt like a drowned dog being tormented by a herd of cats.

Prior to March 1995, I had never had a flu shot.

When I went to the doctor that fall for an annual checkup, he told me he was going to have a nurse give me a flu shot.

If the blood-pressure cuff had been around my arm at the time, it would have exploded.

That's because I have needle phobia. I don't want anyone poking my arm (or any other body part), and I can't stand to see anyone else get a shot.

But that was then.

The nurse said she was going to give me the shot and jokingly offered to put me out first. I immediately agreed.

After a few minutes, I asked the nurse to tell me when she was ready. She told me I had already had the shot. I'm pretty sure I heard her say under her breath, "You big baby."

I had a similar experience at the Cape Girardeau County Public Health Center, where nurses routinely give hundreds of shots and know what they're doing.

As a result, since 1995 I've become an advocate of flu shots.

And I haven't had the flu.

I also have been advocating other practical, commonsense ways to avoid unnecessary illness. My doctor told me, for example, that thorough hand washing several times a day minimizes the risk of transferring unwanted germs into your body.

I've become a hand-washing fool.

And I preach hand washing to anyone who will listen.

(This next part is just for the men who are reading this column.)

Guys, I see you in the restroom going through the motions of hand washing. You do it because you don't want the other fellows to think you're an unsanitary slob. I'll bet when no one's around you don't even bother turning on the faucet. If you want to do the world a real favor, wash those hands. Don't moisten them. Get them soaking wet with the hottest water you can stand. And use soap. That's why the dispenser is there. Yes, I know some restrooms only have those air-drying contraptions, and they're annoying as you know what. Use them. They're more sanitary than paper towels or those cloth things on rollers that don't roll. Stop spreading germs. Wash.

And if that doesn't get you, just remember what your mother always told you.

Enough said.

So when the news came this year that there wouldn't be enough flu vaccine for everyone, the health authorities immediately started offering advice on how to avoid getting the flu even though you won't get a shot.

No. 1 on the list: Wash your hands.

So what happened to me? My wife and I left for a few days in Oregon. As soon as we landed, I started hacking and wheezing. Half the time we were there my wife didn't know if she was hearing the ocean surf or me. A visit to the doctor when we got home produced welcome relief.

After several coughless days and sleeping all night, the crud slammed me again this week.

Now I feel like I'm swimming in molasses while muscles I didn't know I have at the top of my chest scream in agony every time my throat tickles.

The doctor says it's a virus, so antibiotics won't do any good. And how much of that cough syrup can I consume before I'm legally drunk?

I do not have the flu. I'm calling it allergies.

R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.