Rice, band, pope - or downtown golf

OK. Which of the following is NOT true:A. The Rev. Larry Rice of St. Louis announced this week that his New Life Evangelistic Center will donate $400,000 to United Way of Southeast Missouri to fund housing and other programs for the homeless. "I think local organizations that have been dealing with the needs of the homeless in your community are best equipped to meet those needs. These organizations can get the most bang for the dollar. And I am withdrawing my application to turn the old federal building on Broadway into a homeless shelter."

B. Jay Knudtson -- banker, mayor and all-around good guy -- wrote a check for $1,500 Thursday with "Cape Girardeau Municipal Band" listed on the memo line. "I now realize, thanks to Joe Sullivan's recent column, that walking the walk is far better than talking the talk." Knudtson said the money would pay for one of the municipal band's summer concerts. He invited others to make similar gestures of financial support for city programs.

C. Pope Benedict, in a surprise announcement during his Mideast pilgrimage this week, said he would delay his return trip to Vatican City for a stopover in Cape Girardeau, where he will bless the marriage of Hans Hummel and Josephine Dreidl, childhood friends who recently moved to Cape Girardeau to open a rathskeller (Hans) and a massage parlor-accounting service (Josephine) while studying for the Missouri Bar exam. "Cape Girardeau ist ein guter Ort, um das Gesetz, und wir hoffen, damit eine Menge Geld," Hummel said.

D. Henrik Stenson, the Swedish golfer who won the Players Championship Tournament Sunday, will be the grand marshal of the nation's most prestigious urban golf championship June 28 in Cape Girardeau. He also will give a golf clinic open to the public before the First-Ever Fourth Annual Louis J. Lorimier Memorial World-Famous Downtown Golf Tournament and All-You-Can-Eat Catfish Buffet.

Most of you are savvy enough to quickly figure out that Donald Trump is more likely to make a donation to a homeless shelter in Cape Girardeau than Larry Rice. And NASA is more likely to have the Atlantis shuttle land at the Cape Girardeau Regional Airport than the pope.

So, A and C are NOT true.

Be careful. B might be a trick. Alas, it is NOT true either. The giveaway is simple. The mayor would be more likely to write a check than ever acknowledge this column in his lifetime.

That leaves D, which, as it turns out, has a morsel of truth.

Another downtown golf tournament will tee off at 1:30 p.m. Sunday, June 28, starting at the gazebo in the Common Pleas Courthouse Park in downtown Cape Girardeau. Once again urban golfers, using a 5-iron or 6-iron, will play nine holes on either the Old Course (lots of city streets and alleys) or the New Course (grassy terrain along the river at Southeast Missouri State University's River Campus -- shuttle provided). The catfish buffet follows.

And, for the fourth year, net proceeds from the tournament will benefit the Red House Interpretive Center, one of downtown's finest historic sites, including a replica of the home/trading post built by the tournament's namesake so he could properly entertain the Lewis and Clark expedition more than 200 years ago.

Some of you are shaking your heads and thinking, "You can't play golf in downtown Cape Girardeau." More than 150 golfers say otherwise. Over the past three years they have had a blast bouncing their Birdieballs off buildings, trees and anything else that's handy. Don't knock it until you try it. You have to sign up to play. Look for entry forms in the Southeast Missourian.

(Notice: Portions of this column were made up out of thin air. Honest. The pope is NOT coming to Cape Girardeau.)

jsullivan@semissourian.com;