Speaker at grief seminar says words not always best to comfort the grieving

Author, professor and senior consultant to Hospice Foundation of America Dr. Kenneth J. Doka spoke at Southeast Missouri Hospital's grief seminar Thursday at the Cape Girardeau Public Library. More than 75 nurses, social workers, hospice volunteers and educators heard Doka's presentation, "Loss and Grief Through the Life Cycle."

Doka said he hoped his audience was able to learn some of the current theories and perspectives on grief and how to apply those to their work. During the presentation, he recognized there were many different types of loss and people respond to grief in different ways.

Doka said following a loss, many people use words to comfort, but that is not always the best option.

"The most common mistake people make when trying to comfort someone who is grieving is they try to say something that is going take away the pain, and nothing is going to take away the pain," he said. "I think my advice would be to simply listen, to validate and to do tangible things to help. Don't make global comments like 'If you need anything,' say 'I know it is tough for you, can I do this?' 'Can I bring a meal?' Be very tangible."

Doka said grief theory and how society views different types of grief have grown in recent decades.

"When I was growing up, there was very little grief support available and very little talking about grief. Now almost every community has a hospice and every hospice has a bereavement program. There are tools, there are resources and there are books. People don't have to grieve alone now," he said.

Southeast Missouri Hospital has had a grief support group in place for more than two decades.

"Southeast Hospital has offered this group at the same day, same time for 21 years and now we have added different groups. Our groups are free to the community. Anyone is welcome to come in following the loss of a loved one," said Julie Metzger, hospital social work manager. Metzger said the grief support groups at the hospital are not intended to take the place of professional grief support, but offer another avenue.

The groups are designed to assist people going through all stages of the process.

"We have a wonderful group of people that come to the support groups," hospital chaplain Connie Griswold said. "They are so caring and they are concerned about one another. For those that don't feel they need the intense bereavement groups anymore, they kind of graduate and they meet once a month. They go for lunch, go to a show, or do whatever."

For more information about groups and the times they meet, contact Southeast Missouri Hospital Wellness Connection at 332-1587.