At last - news that lets you keep your Cheerios down

NEWS BULLETIN

Cape Girardeau city officials today announced a new program to deal with the growing deer population inside the city limits. The new program is called LDD, an acronym for Love the Deer ... to Death.

"The people have spoken," said the city's Chief Poobah, referring to the referendum repealing the ordinance that would have allowed deer hunting in the city. "Let's move on."

Moving on, said the Chief Poobah, would mean developing new strategies for dealing with city problems.

"Let's make love, not venison stew," he said.

One approach, according to city officials who have been involved in several planning retreats, would be to love the deer so much that they (a) moved someplace saner or (b) keeled over from all the affection.

A how-to handout from the city suggested several ways to love our resident deer to death. For example, put out foods full of trans fats for them to eat. Include a lot of sugary beverages and massive amounts of french fries.

"Watching a deer die from a heart attack is much more fun than watching a bow hunter pierce a deer's heart with a barb-tipped arrow with pretty red and white feathers," said one upbeat city official.

Another plan calls for inviting the deer to move to a special area where they would be safe and well cared for. In this regard, the city has named the "business park" at the intersection of LaSalle Avenue and I-55. The new name, in keeping with the new mission, is White-Tailed Deer Ghetto.

"Isn't that just the cutest thing you ever heard?" said one city resident devoted to protecting the precious animals who call Cape Girardeau home. "And for $6 million, it's a bargain!"

In another deer-related move toward improving the city's economic development, City Hall announced that it would give 100 percent tax credits to anyone starting a business catering to any deer-related enterprise. For example, someone might start a deer fencing business.

Such businesses, of course, would have to meet certain tax-credit criteria: All businesses would have to be located on Broadway, and each new business would be required to tear down half of any building it occupies to provide off-street parking, since the city's deer lovers, in addition to being opposed to municipal deer hunting, are also opposed to parking on the north side of any city street -- a topic they intend to put on their next referendum ballot.

A deer-petting zoo is under development by the city's parks department. The new zoo will be across the street from the Discovery Playhouse, which will allow children to learn how to love deer while having fun.

"Deer are the city's future," declared the Chief Poobah. "We'll never run out of deer. That's the good news."

The only proponent of urban deer hunting left in Cape Girardeau put it another way: "We'll never run out of deer. That's the bad news."

Joe Sullivan is the retired editor of the Southeast Missourian.