Big money means making big, important decisions

Which call should I make first?

My banker? Financial adviser? Stockbroker? Lawyer? Friend with all the hot investing tips? Heirs who stand to get everything?

My quandary is the result of the wonderful news that Our Fair City, the one that raided our checking accounts to pay for a sewage treatment plant that will cost millions and millions of dollars, may lower our sewer rate by a dollar a month.

Yes, that's right. A whole dollar. Four quarters. Ten dimes. Twenty nickels. Enough pennies to cover a large section of the dome on the university's Academic Hall.

If you don't have it in front of you, find your most recent bill from Our Fair City, the bill that shows how much water you used and how much you owe for sewers and solid waste disposal -- the one that totals up to a monthly car payment on a Honda Civic. That one.

The smallest expense item on the bill is for something called "Fuel Surcharge." I'm guessing, but I suppose that's to pay for the gasoline some city employee burns up driving from neighborhood to neighborhood to read water meters. Fuel surcharges are all the rage right now. Most every business that sends a vehicle to your house wants you to pay for the gas. Why this is better than raising rates is unclear to me. Maybe you can figure it out.

The next biggest item on your city bill is "Sales Tax." Well, of course it is. Taxes are how we pay for public services. Except of course we pay extra for water, sewers and solid waste disposal. Those aren't taxes, but if you don't pay them, the city cuts you off. If you don't pay your taxes, your house is sold on the courthouse steps. Either way, the city clearly has the upper hand.

Finally, we get to the nitty-gritty.

Solid waste disposal is a chunk. My residential rate is $17.50 a month, which includes two garbage bins on wheels. I like my garbage bins. I like that one is for landfill trash and the other is for recyclable trash, so I gladly pay the $17.50.

I don't know what the "average" residential water usage is for Our Fair City, but I apparently used 630 something last month. Gallons? Cubic feet? Milk buckets? I don't know, but that's how many I'm being charged for.

Then there's the sewer bill. It's a whopping $33.38 on my bill. This is the one Our Fair City is thinking about reducing by a buck a month. Which, according to my math, would make it $32.38 instead of $33.38. Did I do that right?

Which, as you can plainly see, raises all these pressing and important question, chiefly: What am I going to do with my extra dollar?

I've been cogitating over this ever since I heard about the bright prospect of a dollar-a-month slash in the sewer rate. If I spend the whole dollar every month, there's not much I can buy. For most things, including the proverbial cup of coffee, I'd had to save up almost two months.

There's the future to think of. It might be best to invest my dollar into a money-market account, currently earning about a thousandth of a percent a year. I tried to calculate what the interest would mount up to in a year's time, but my calculator readout kept blinking "ERROR."

As I was meditating on my potential windfall, my wife wandered into the room and reminded me half the reduction in sewer rates belonged to her. All 50 cents a month.

Now I have to start all over with my calculations. My stockbroker, who was instructed to investigate some penny stocks, will now have to limit the possibilities to halfpenny stocks.

If you think things are bad in Our Fair City, consider this: You could be living in St. Joseph, Mo., another river town dickering with sewer rates.

In St. Joe, the city plans to raise sewer rates -- again -- by 12 percent. The average sewer rate right now in the Pony Express city is $38.72, and the average rate would increase to $43.79. A month. Before taxes.

Of course, no one pays the "average" rate for anything. Most of us pay more than that. Folks in St. Joseph, freed from having to pay extra for water and sewers and solid waste disposal, could well afford a Buick.

Think about this: It costs more to clean our sewage than it does to provide the water that makes up most of what goes through the sewage plant.

Wouldn't it make good pocketbook sense to be more careful with our water? Not get it so dirty in the first place? Wouldn't backyard privies cut way down on sewage treatment expenses?

Just thinking, and wondering what to do with an extra dollar a month.

Joe Sullivan is the retired editor of the Southeast Missourian.