Views changing of gay couples

Rochelle Steffen has been in a relationship for more than a decade, living on a quiet street in Cape Girardeau for more than eight years. She wakes up, goes to work and comes home as many people do -- the only difference is she comes home to her partner, not a husband.

The rapid changes in relationships and marriage more often than not come back to the topic of gay relationships and the controversies surrounding them.

Many view marriage in the traditional sense of a union between a man and a woman -- some interpreting biblical passages, particularly in the book of Leviticus in the Old Testament, in a way that does not condone marriage between anyone other than a man and a woman.

A few high-profile happenings recently put the gay marriage debate into national light.

Michael Sam, a football player at the University of Missouri, announced he was gay two weeks ago and likely will become the first openly gay man in the NFL.

"I just wish you guys would see me as Michael Sam the football player instead of Michael Sam the gay football player," Sam said to reporters who attended his news conference at the NFL scouting combine in Indianapolis, the New York Daily News reported.

America's mindset on gay relationships is beginning to change.

Seventeen states and the nation's capital now allow same-sex marriage. Ten states recognize same-sex unions and partnerships. Thirty-three states in the U.S. ban same-sex marriage, including Missouri.

A lawsuit was filed Feb. 12, asking a Kansas City circuit judge to recognize the marriages of same-sex couples in Missouri who were wed in other states or countries where such unions are legal. On the same day, a federal judge ruled Kentucky must recognize same-sex marriages granted in other states.

Between 0.67 percent and 0.95 percent of households in Missouri were same-sex households, according to the U.S. Census Bureau 2010 American Community Survey. The number of unmarried same-sex couples in the United States has increased from about 565,000 in 2008 to about 640,000 in 2012, according to American Community Survey data, after decreasing from about 777,000 in 2005.

Normal

Steffen grew up as a tomboy in small-town Southeast Missouri, never focusing on who she was or who she wanted to be until into her 20s. Steffen knew she was different, but it wasn't until after moving to St. Louis and being around other gay people that she realized she was homosexual.

Steffen met her partner, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of retribution, at work shortly after Steffen expressed her orientation.

As she tells their love story, Steffen pauses in thought, laughing to herself.

The two view themselves as normal in their easygoing life, she said. They go to the movies and out to eat, and go about their days working and spending time with each other.

"We're kind of like an old couple," Steffen said.

People sometimes are shocked at the idea two women can be together for 13 years, she said. The two get under each other's skin, but that's not surprising because that happens in heterosexual relationships, too.

"And not all relationships work," Steffen said. "It doesn't mean that it's a failure because it's gay; it means it's a failure because they're not compatible."

The Huffington Post in late 2011 reported the findings of a study conducted by the Williams Institute, "a prestigious gay-legal think tank" at the University of California-Los Angeles. The study found nearly 150,000 gay couples had married or registered civil unions or domestic partnerships, which constitutes about one-fifth of gay couples in the U.S.

Steffen and her partner in 2004 exchanged rings in front of their families and friends during a commitment ceremony. They have power of attorney for each other and advanced directives.

"We've had to jump through the hoops that society has made us jump through legally to be able to be together like a married couple, but we don't need a certificate on the wall that says we are married," Steffen said.

There still are gay individuals or couples who are not comfortable enough in their own skin to be openly "out."

"There's nothing wrong with that because society has been mean," Steffen said. "Especially in Southeast Missouri, society is very mean."

In 2012, Jeana Terry was assaulted outside her and her girlfriend's Cape Girardeau home by their neighbor Mercedes Ayers, who at the time was 17, allegedly because Terry is gay.

Terry claimed Ayers pulled her from her home where she was stomped, kicked and beaten as she was called anti-gay slurs. The altercation left Terry with a fracture on her face and ongoing physical and emotional discomfort.

Ayers was sentenced to five years of probation by Judge William Syler after pleading guilty to third-degree assault that was elevated to a felony charge because a hate crime designation was added.

Growing up gay

Gay teenagers are more accepted but some still have it rough, especially boys, Steffen said. As long as they have a decent support system and are not being bullied, it has gotten easier for them to be themselves, she said.

Steven Dowdy, 22, knew he was gay when he was about 15, but couldn't tell anyone.

"Those are things you just don't talk about," he said.

Dowdy was home-schooled with a Christian curriculum and his "Christ-centered" father held Bible studies with his family after breakfast on Saturdays.

"He would always turn to me and say, 'Promise me you won't be gay,'" Dowdy said.

He ran away from home when he was 17.

Dowdy "came out" via a paper he wrote for a creative-writing class he took while attending Cape Girardeau Central High School, in which he also revealed he was an atheist.

"The classroom parted like the Red Sea," he said.

Dowdy soon was threatened with violence and death threats, so he dropped out of high school and moved in with his grandmother, who accepts his sexual orientation.

He and his father do not have a relationship.

Dowdy has a boyfriend he has been seeing for about three months. His partner wished to remain anonymous for fear of retribution.

When he first started dating men, Dowdy was afraid to be in public and show affection.

"Now I don't make any bones about it, and I don't care," he said. "I am who I am. I can't change that."

Dowdy hopes people are more accepting of gay couples, and said he doesn't feel the topic is as "hush-hush" anymore.

The threats have gone away, and Dowdy said he believes positive attention in the media has a lot to do with it.

"We're just humans," Dowdy said. "We all love the same. We all have things that make us tick, just like straight people. The only thing that's different about us is that we like the same gender. And that's all."

Changing perceptions

It has become easier over the last few decades for gay individuals to be out and be in a relationship as a majority of the people start to realize being gay is OK, Steffen said.

That doesn't mean there aren't people who oppose homosexuality.

Phil Robertson of A&E's realty TV show Duck Dynasty late last year was suspended from the show after stating in an interview with GQ that homosexual behavior is sinful. A&E received a strong backlash from Robertson supporters and lifted the suspension after nine days.

Forty-nine percent of Americans favor allowing gays and lesbians to legally marry, according to a Pew Research Center poll conducted in March, The Associated Press reported in 2013. Forty-four percent were opposed.

There are extremists in every group of people, Steffen said, and the gay extreme is just as detrimental to the gay "norm" as the "super-religious fanatic extreme."

"There's always some percentage of each group that's going to give the entire group a bad name, no matter how much you seek to be normal," she said.

After living in the same neighborhood for more than eight years, Steffen said she hopes she and her partner have changed their neighbors' perception of gay relationships and shown the stability that can be found in the gay community.

"It's just getting a lot better. ... There's progress every day in allowing two people who love each other to be together," Steffen said.

ashedd@semissourian.com

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