Another of life's mysteries is solved by watching live TV

Another of life's mysteries is easily solved by watching live TV

Because of a scheduling situation in our household, my wife and I watched the live broadcast of the evening news on CBS Monday night. As a result, we now know why medications -- prescriptions and over-the-counter -- are so expensive.

Here's what we learned and how we learned it.

First, you need to know that we rarely watch live TV. As a result, we zap commercials. Click. Click. Click. Click. There you go. Back to the program as recorded on our DVR.

Look out! There's another batch of commercials! Click. Click. Click. Click. Back to whatever we're watching.

Some sages say the TV remote device is the most important invention in the history of mankind. That's not so, of course. The most important invention ever is fruitcake. But that's another long, long story. And even without commercials it's too long to tell today.

So, back to our eye-opening experience while watching the news.

Second, you need to know that every commercial -- not just most of them -- was promoting a medication of some sort. If their spiels are to be believed, they will cure everything from neuropathy to back pain to *... um *... you know, the problem a lot of older men have.

I don't know if you have exact figures at hand, but I'm guessing Scott Pelley makes more in a week than I ever made in an entire year. And Scott's not the only employee at CBS. Not by a long shot. All those other reporters and camera people and microphone holders and editors and producers and stage hands and on and on and on have to be paid too. Scott probably makes more than all of them put together. So you can see how the dollars start to add up to big bucks.

Third, you need to know that CBS charges all the makers of the medical products being advertised a big wad of money. That's so CBS can pay its bills. Fair enough. But if CBS rakes in its cut along with all those other networks that show those commercials, you can see that the makers of said medications are out a pile of money. By the way, "wad" and "pile" are not exact monetary measurements, so don't quibble over a few smackeroos here and there.

Because the makers of medications spend so much on commercials, they have to have a plan for getting all that money back and then some. That's called profit. And this, dear and patient reader, is where you come in.

Every time you buy a medication, even if you have insurance, you are paying out the schnoozle just so Scott Pelley can have a merry Christmas. Think about it.

Now, let's take a closer look at some of those medical commercials. Have you noticed how nearly every one of them disclaims that one of the side effects could be *... death?

Really? We're paying top dollar for a miracle that could kill us? Shouldn't we get some kind of discount for taking that risk? Look, let's be fair. If a side effect is dizziness, the drug manufacture could lop off a percent or two, don't you think? But if a potential outcome of taking some modern elixir is a permanent home six feet under some well-manicured cemetery sod, don't you think the bar should be raised? Say to an 80 or 90 percent discount? At least?

Then there is that familiar line in all the commercials for prescription drugs -- which you cannot buy without your physician's say-so. So the narrator in these commercials reminds us to "tell your doctor" that you want to take this drug or that drug.

I don't know about you, but have you ever tried to tell a doctor anything? In real life it works just the opposite way. The doctor says, "You have high blood pressure" and "Here's a prescription for something you can't pronounce" but comes highly recommended by a pharmaceutical salesperson.

(Just so you know, a "pharmaceutical salesperson) is a drug dealer, pure and simple.}

So, the next time you see your doctor and want to have a little fun, try this:

"Say, Doc. I saw on TV that my knee joints could be as pain free as the day I was born if I took this new drug called Coughsputterphlemsneeze, or something like that. I'm telling you I want to take that drug. So sit down on your little swivel stool and write me a prescription. And make it renewable forever. And don't give me that sorry-puppy look. After all, Scott Pelley gets Christmas bills just like everyone else."

Let me know how that goes.

Joe Sullivan is the retired editor of the Southeast Missourian.