WHAT'S WRONG WITH SANTA?

What's wrong with Santa?

Plenty, if you ask the doctor.

You can't help but notice Santa in today's health-conscious world.

He doesn't fit in with the exercise-and-diet crowd.

He doesn't mind being overweight and he's not about to give up smoking.

Clement Clarke Moore captured Santa's health problems in his famous poem, "'Twas the Night before Christmas."

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.

Could it be that Santa suffers from hypothermia?

Dr. Robb Hicks says the description would fit with hypothermia, which can occur when a person is out in the cold too long.

"I think all that traveling around would do it," says the Cape Girardeau physician, noting that Santa spends a lot of time in that open sleigh.

"The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath."

At least, Santa isn't smoking cigarettes. But pipe smoking is bad too, says Hicks. Then there's the issue of second-hand smoke.

If Santa were his patient, Hicks says he would tell him to quit smoking. Hicks says even Santa could use some healthy advice. "I would definitely would say something."

Then, there's the issue of being overweight. Santa, says Hicks, needs to lose a few pounds.

He had a broad face and a little round belly, that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf.

Santa could benefit from a little exercise, Hicks says.

"I kind of envision him sitting around the North Pole and not getting exercise," says Hicks.

Even his Christmas Eve travels provide little real exercise, Hicks points out. "As he is traveling around Christmas Eve, he is sitting a lot."

The reindeer have to pull all that weight Santa, presents and all.

The reindeer probably would be thrilled if Santa went on a diet. Hicks says Santa would be better off too.

"For every pound of weight we gain, it is as if you are gaining three pounds at the hips, five pounds at the knees, and seven or eight pounds in the ankles," says Hicks.

The Christmas season is an annual diet buster. "All those milk and cookies add up," Hicks says.

A trimmer Santa might have an easier time getting up and down all those chimneys.

Of course, climbing through chimneys isn't the safest or healthiest practice.

His clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

Not a pretty sight. Going down chimneys, Santa risks inhaling all that smoke and soot. That can lead to respiratory problems like those encountered by the chimney sweeps in the 19th century, says Hicks.

Santa also could use a few lessons on proper lifting of all those toys, he says.

And filled all those stockings; then turned with a jerk.

Ouch. A few too many jerks and Santa could throw out his back, says Hicks.

Despite Santa's less-than-perfect health, Hicks says the jovial guy must be doing a few things right.

"He has lasted for centuries," notes Hicks. "I guess the irony is that whatever he is doing must be working."