HEALING WOUNDS

There is a difference between being a victim and suffering from victimization, says Doug Johnson, a counselor at Southeast Missouri State University.

A victim is anyone who has been exposed to a traumatic event, he said. The person may have witnessed or was confronted with events that involved actual or threatened death. They may have been raped or robbed or have been the victim of a pickpocket.

Victimization, however, is when people blame themselves for these incidents, Johnson said.

"It's when someone goes to an ATM late at night, gets robbed and then they say that it's their fault because they shouldn't have gone there that late," Johnson said. "People don't understand that it wasn't their fault because they had a right to do go to an ATM whenever they want. Their decision may have lacked judgment, but the robbery wasn't their fault."

The most tragic of crimes involve victims who lose their life. But the deceased are not the only victims in these situations, he said.

"The family of the victim are certainly victims as well," Johnson said.

Parents who lose their children experience some of the most intense grieving, he said.

"That's totally out of the blue. People are raised to expect to outlive their children. When they don't it's especially shocking."

Getting over these tragedies is often a drawn-out, difficult process that could require individual counseling, Johnson said. Whether people believe in the afterlife or just that all suffering ends with death is important, he said.

"Both of these facts can be a great comfort to people," he said.

Dr. T.J. Glenn, a psychiatrist in Cape Girardeau, says people who lose a love one, especially in a violent situation, need to do serious grief work.

"First you have to grab on to the fact that you lost something positive and negative," Glenn said. "Talk about your feelings with people in your support system and learn to deal with it."

He said you do this by defining what the problem is, what is causing the problem and then figuring out what the solution is.

These are the stops necessary to attain forgiveness.

"Not only should you forgive the wrong-doer, but you should forgive yourself as well," Glenn said.

When someone dies, he said, people struggle with conflicting emotions -- no matter how it happens.

Survivors may have had a love/hate relationship or not have gotten along with the deceased, he said. People need to come to grips with the fact that the departed family member wasn't perfect and that you may not have loved everything about him.

Glenn said people should forgive themselves for these feelings and not feel guilty for them.

"And when people forgive, it permits them to love," he said.

Both Glenn and Johnson said people with such problems might want to consider getting professional counseling.