SPEAK OUT

Hear the rebel yells?

"YOUR MAGAZINE helps set the record straight," said John Ashcroft in an interview with the Southern Partisan, a periodical that has been known to praise David Duke, published an article claiming various minorities lack the "temperament for democracy" and even flirted with the idea of secession. Meanwhile, the Southeast Missourian has editorialized that Ashcroft is being victimized (borked) by unfair criticism. Oh well. At least I now know why so many folks I see reading the Southeast Missourian in public have difficulty restraining themselves and inevitably cut loose with a rebel yell.

Ready for the Soviets

THE SELECTION of Cold Warrior Donald Rumsfeld as secretary of defense makes sense only in one scenario, namely, the reformulation of the Soviet Union and the rejuvenation of Soviet Communism. Though I have seen no indication of this occurring, the incoming Bush administration may have received intelligence briefings indicating its distinct possibility. Thus, I strongly urge the Senate to confirm Rumsfeld while at the same time noting that the time may soon be at hand for the small minority of readers of the Southeast Missourian who remain committed to the cause to depart for Moscow in preparation for the second coming of Stalinism.

And the guillotine

THOUGH SOBERLY pointing out that the new area jail facility may not be a profit-making venture, the Southeast Missourian recently waxed ecstatic, dare I say euphoric, over its mere existence. I shudder to think what you may have written had you been around to witness Dr. Guillotine's 18th century invention. I suspect you may have praised the guillotine for its relative cleanliness compared to the cumbersome, awkward ax and excellent efficiency. Southeast Missourian editorials written in such a vein leave me cold but motivate me to contact Speak Out while thinking to myself, "Creepy, man, creepy."

Conservative kookery

THE SOUTHEAST Missourian broke new ground for conservative kookery with the publication of a column by Richard Viguerie. Viguerie has been out of the loop for so long I thought he was dead or possibly in prison. I feel a certain nostalgia for the likes of Viguerie. Perhaps Southeast Missourian sages might consider publishing the views of another psychotic super patriot, one still quite visible in the public arena. I refer to the looniest of them all, the Machiavellian master of the ends justifies the means, the honorable G. Gordon Liddy.

Better change name

JAY NIXON irritates me. He has to be unseated. I strongly encourage state Sen. Peter Kinder to challenge him in a statewide contest. Though Kinder is deservedly proud of his family heritage, I think he will attract national and international attention and have a much better chance of beating Nixon if he legally changes his last name to Kennedy.

Some regrets

WE DEMOCRATS who have little, if any, use for the president-elect are bad, according to most of those who call in. Yet those same people feel it's perfectly all right to hate President Clinton. The only thing I hate is that Clinton will no longer be president.

God and history

THIS NATION is returning to God? If you think our forefathers were "pure and righteous" according to your Republican standards, you have a lifetime of American history reading to do.

Strange to behold

STRANGE TO my thinking is that while the economy was booming full force, the Republicans wanted to give all the credit to their members of Congress. Now that the economy is faltering a little, it's all President Clinton and Al Gore's fault. The Republican thinking process is a strange thing to behold. No, it isn't strange. It's pitiful.

Not Clinton's fault

BILL CLINTON didn't have anything to do with the current stock-market situation. It has more to do with the prospect of George W. Bush becoming president. When things are good, people have faith and invest in the stock market. When the potential is there for bad things happening, people become scared and hold onto their money. So don't go blaming Clinton for anything that happens to the economy now. It's all about what is to come in the next four years. And let it be said that Clinton may have the morals of an alley cat, but he was still a very good president.