MISSOURIANA

The major drawback to improving communication is that every time a faster method is devised, the Missouri Department of Transportation announces a higher estimate of needed revenue.

When someone talks about "political solutions," you know you're not listening to a serious student of U.S. politics.

How low can you get? It depends on whether you've seen any of this fall's new TV shows.

Does anyone know what happens to teachers and principals when student test scores aren't up to standard? Do they have to stay after school too?

A report found that the government spent $52 million to investigate the Whitewater deal. Shucks, for that kind of money taxpayers could have bought the whole river.

The best thing about sending some of our politicians to Washington is knowing we won't hear anything from them for years.

An experienced politician is like the errant husband who knows that, despite the best excuse in the world, no one is going to believe him.

Market experts suggest Wall Street is in flux because of the Bush-Gore deadlock. It would really be in a panic if the tie were between Pat Buchanan and Ralph Nader.

When politicians say they want to restore sanity to government, it's probably wise to inquire about the credentials of their psychiatrists.

If Al Gore doesn't win the presidency, what will America do for new products, new inventions, new systems and new literature?

Wouldn't election campaigns be more bearable if we had a federal law against saying, "I

promise ... "?

Some of us can't decide which is worse: Having Gore or Bush as the next president or entering the winter flu season without an adequate supply of vaccine.