MISSOURIANA

America may be the land of technology and the nation of computer science, but we probably won't command any respect until we begin dating our checks 1998.

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Jerry Seinfeld decides to call it quits at the end of this year's TV season. Other comedians don't retire until they're voted out of office.

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It took 14 years for the University of Missouri football team to get to a post-season bowl but a slightly smaller number of fumbles and turnarounds to flush it down a different bowl.

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MU officials report that Mizzou's appearance at the Holiday Bowl raised school spirit and attracted alumni contributions. Then someone ruined it all by putting it on television.

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President Clinton is trying to raise additional funds to pay his legal fees in the Paula Jones lawsuit. When he gets a potential contributor on the line, Bill just hands the phone to the vice president and says, "It's for you, Al."