MISSOURI WATCH: WHAT DID SHAKESPEARE KNOW ABOUT PRESIDENTS' NAMES?

Bill Shakespeare expressed an interest in names but didn't seem to attach too much importance to them. As far as I know, he never talked to Corey Ruzicka of Mishawaka, Ind. (I'm not making this town up. There really is a Mishawaka, and it's located in Indiana.) As far as Mr. Ruzicka (also real) is concerned, your name means everything, particularly if you're running for political office and someday become a candidate for president of the United States. He believes if your name has the proper vowels and consonants, everything will come up roses, if you'll pardon another reference to the bard of Avon.

I learned about Corey Ruzicka from a friend in New York who's been in politics a long time but has never reached the White House, probably because his name ends with an "s" -- and that's a no-no in politics.

Corey Ruzicka is a statistician who has made a lengthy study of names, elections and presidents, and what he has been predicting for several years has always turned out to be correct, namely that the last letter in a candidate's name is the precursor to inauguration. Particularly if it ends in "n".

Thanks to Indiana Corey, we know that 22 of America's 51 presidential elections have been won by candidates whose last names ended with the magic letter. And Corey doesn't mind listing them for you, which is part of the penalty you pay for listening to his wisdom.

There's Washington, Jefferson, Madison, Jackson (not Jesse, Andy), Van Buren, Buchanan, Harrison (William Henry and Benjamin), Wilson, Truman, Nixon and Reagan, and on and on, and of course since many of these men won re-election, you can finally get to the number 22.

Furthermore, the sage of Mishawaka declares, the only two times in history that we had a presidential nominee whose name ended in "h" we had an economic downturn. In 1928 the Democrats nominated Al Smith, and the next year America had the Great Depression. The other downturn occurred after George Bush was elected, which Corey predicted would produce severe consequences, particularly for George.

Now if you're ready for some news from Indiana that is even more ominous, keep reading. This involves the final letter of the names of vice presidential candidates. The Midwest statistician says that 10 times in history we had vice presidential candidates whose names ended in and "e", and 10 times the winning president was either shot, died in office, lost the re-election or resigned.

Walter Mondale was Jimmy Carter's running mate, and Carter lost to Reagan, who was then shot. Dan Quayle was Bush's election partner, and George lost to the present occupant of the White House.

It suddenly occurred to me that even though Bill Clinton has the requisite "n" ending his name, he also has a vice president with the dreaded "e" letter. Does that mean Bill will win in 1996, or does it mean he's going to be in trouble? Well, Corey thinks Bill needs to worry about making it to Election Day, and then he'll win, even if his Republican opponent is Pat Buchanan or Pete Wilson. The logic is inescapable, since the guy with the crystal ball tells me that 10 of the 12 N-ending presidents who have run for re-election have won another term.

You won't find this in any campaign manager's plan book, but Ruzicka says voters should eschew vice presidential candidates whose last names end with a "y" or an "l". The reason for this, he explains, is because every time we get one of these guys, America has a major war with major casualties within four years.

To be perfectly honest, by the this time I was so satiated with surnames, ending consonants, calamities and potential repercussions from vice presidential family names that I forgot to ask about Arlen Specter, Phil Gramm and whoever else has filed this week. But I did remember one possible candidate who seems to be intriguing lots of voters. What about Colin Powell?

If we use his first name, he has a chance to win, even if he runs against Clinton. If we use his last name, we might have a major war with big casualties before the year 2000.Of course, if Powell chooses Bob Dole to run with him, we could have a standoff, balancing Al Gore on the Democratic ticket.

When I asked Corey about the chances of Judi Moriarty making a comeback, he hung up on me. I don't blame him.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of the Missouri News and Editorial Service.