MISSOURI WATCH: IT'S THE SEASON TO BE PATRIOTIC

Ever since the fall of communism a few years ago, I've had difficulty getting into the Christmas spirit. Not that the Commies ever advocated anything resembling Christmas, but when we once believed the Russians could be landing on U.S. shores at any moment, I could always rely on an organization known as the National Defense Committee. This ever-vigilant group would remind me along about the end of November that the Commies were coming and if I were a true patriot, I would avoid Christmas cards bearing any mention of the United Nations Children's Fund and stick to the patriotic variety.

To be perfectly honest with you, I could never find any patriotic cards either. Oh, there were some that might have broached the subject, but most cards back then pretty much bore the same message of Peace on Earth and Goodwill Toward Men. I guess that included the Commies, as well, but the National Defense Committee was a little vague on this matter. So I never really knew whether I should be wishing peace for all men or just those who were true U.S. patriots.

At any rate, the demise of the Soviet Union must have put the National Defense people out of business, and so without their reminder that this was the season to be patriotic, I had trouble getting in the mood of Goodwill Toward Men. Until the other day, when I received a letter from an organization called the American Christian Crusade.

The folks at the ACC headquarters wrote asking if I realized that "there is a concentrated effort in America to make Christmas passe." The letter further explained that if this anti-Christmas plot succeeds, the heritage that is ours as Americans will become weakened and perhaps wither away.

Then the Crusade writers asked if I knew who was behind this plot, and while I had my suspicions, I was happy they were willing to tell me. "This action is primarily by intellectual leaders." Naturally, upon reading this startling bit of information, I began to perspire a little. And to prove I was the loyal, non-intellectual follower type, I hustled right out to be patriotically Christmasy once again.

First, I went shopping for a Christmas tree. The store I visited had some really nice ones. There was a lovely seven-foot Stainless Foil Silverline Tree by Home Pool Equipment Inc., which is collapsible for EZ storage. I liked it better than the new plastic pink ones. But I guess I'm old-fashioned.

I was about to ask that it be collapsed and wrapped when I saw this traditional Vinyl Tree (green or white, 8 feet, 6 inches, 129 branches, $44.89). Personally, I don't care much for green, but the white was nice. Of course, for only $2.50 more I could get an authentic Gold Aluminum Tree (7 feet, 151 branches, spotlight extra). I was torn. I finally settled for the Stainless Foil one. It seemed more Christmasy.,

Humming "Tannenbaum, oh, Tannenbaum, my Stainless Foil Tannenbaum," I fought my way through the crowds over to the trimming section. More decisions. Did I want Twinkle-Lites, Blinker-Lites, Dina-Lites, or some shaped like strawberries? The salesman, a harried young man in glasses, said how about a Penetray Motorized Color Wheel for $19.98? "It saves- stringing all those fool lights," he said. I said $19.98 seemed an awful lot. He said Christmas comes once a year. So I bought it.

Feeling festive, I thought of holly. What's Christmas without holly? Did they have holly? Sure thing, said the salesman. And he showed me a "Holly Garland---Ten Foot Long, Lifetime---Non-Fade---Lifelike." I asked if it were washable. "Guaranteed," he said. And, sure enough, right there on the box was the legend: Drip-Dry.

Humming "Deck the halls with drip-dry holly," I bought a can of Make-It-Snow (Push-Button Magic Flakes for Holiday Trees---Non-Toxic---Pink or White---Environmentally Safe--$2.79). I got pink. What's Christmas without pink, non-toxic snow?

Before shoving my way out, I asked the salesman if Christmas were becoming passe? "Nonsense," he said, beaming a bit. "This is going to be our biggest Christmas ever."

So all in all, I feel totally reassured. And I trust all those good folks who are worrying back at the American Christian Crusade will also feel better. Christmas is definitely not becoming passe. Besides, if there's any sinister foreign plot around, I've got faith in our side. Those foreigners can't compete with our free enterprise system.

Not when it comes to destroying the spirit of Christmas, they can't.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of the Missouri News and Editorial Service.