REINVENTION AND OTHER DELUSIONS

Dear Uncle Sam:

Somebody said you were trying to save money. Here are some possible "reforms" from one of your nephews:

1. Eliminate the most useless job in the United States Government: the office of Vice President. According to reliable political scientists, the VP has only three major duties, for which he is handsomely paid: preside over the U.S. Senate (which he seldom does), attend funerals of foreign dignitaries, and make a pest of himself by daily asking the President how he's feeling. All three jobs could be done at a fraction of the cost, and then we wouldn't have to worry about some idiot (who is chosen to pacify a political constituency that's ignored during the national convention) being only a heart-beat away from the Really Big Job. Presiding over the Senate is no big deal, and most of the time the "honor" is given to some freshman lawmaker, who no one ever recognizes when the session is carried on C-Span. As for attending foreign funerals, the government could send flowers, which cost less and smell better than the Vice President. As for asking about the health of the President, turn the job over to someone like Rush Limbaugh, who constantly prays for someone else in the Oval Office. We can depend on Rush to keep tabs on how the president is doing. The only price we have to pay is listening to Rush's TV program.

2. Fire all government lawyers. This may seem a trifle revolutionary, but how many lawyers did the Founding Fathers hire to oversee the entire government when times were really tough? Oh, I can hear you saying, "But what about all the really important lawyers in the Department of Justice?" Good question. But what do lawyers have to do with justice? The country's biggest problem -- crime -- can't be solved by some attorney who was trained in law school to look up legal precedents in order to win his client freedom from a first-degree murder rap that everyone witnesses on television. Lawyers don't really know about crime; they just know how to fix things after one is committed, and we're in need of preventing crime, not preventing the guilty from serving time. Who knows more about crime than that beloved American institution known as The Family a.k.a. The Mafia? Turning crime prevention over to the real experts would send a message to the streets of every city in the country: Don't mess with us, fellow, or you'll find yourself in bed with the head of a horse. I can hear America's criminals saying now: "I'm not going to rape and murder and plunder as long as Vito is in the neighborhood." America will wind up with the best-behaved criminals in the world, and the savings will run into billions. In fact, one expert I contacted (his name is Vito), said his Family could save enough to balance the budget, buy a one-way air ticket to Tibet for Ross Perot and have enough money left over to bribe the Supreme Court.

3. Put all federal bureaucrats on commission rather than salary. Can't be done, you say? All right, who's the biggest landlord in the country? Uncle Sam, right. Our government owns more offices, apartment buildings, entire subdivisions and almost half the land west of the Mississippi and collects zilch from billions and billions in investments.

If Uncle collected just a reasonable return on his property, his nieces and nephews wouldn't have to fork over so much on April 15. If all the employees of the Departments of Agriculture, Interior, Commerce, Housing & Urban Development and Transportation were to collect fees from the property they manage and the services they render, more billions could be saved. If employees were to be paid on the quality of services provided and the logic of constructing new apartment houses, someone in Washington might think before the Treasury is raided, not after billions have been squandered.

4. Let Congress meet once a year for a period not to exceed 60 days. Members of Congress aren't bad, per se. When they're first elected, they're just like the rest of us, but when they get to Washington, they change, right? They begin to think about how they can stay around, how much money they'll need for the next election, and where they can go on some junket. They worry because they have too much time to daydream instead of tending to the public's business. Give 'em a few weeks to debate and vote the budget, pass a couple of laws that need revising and then send them back home to contend with voters for the rest of the year. And cut Congress in half. We don't need two senators any more than we need two right ears. Even members of the House of Representatives admit they have too many people hanging around. House members don't even have assigned desks on the floor; there are too many members and too little space. We've obviously got too many congressmen.

5. Eliminate the U.S. Postal Service. Don't get me wrong, some of my favorite people are postal employees, but in the age of the Fax machine, a first class letter can be delivered a lot faster than by USPS. Every U.S. household that wants mail can get a Fax machine, and for those folks who don't want mail, they can always use the telephone. Besides, half the time of half the people in the country is wasted reading those 4th class catalogs, while the other half simply chuck the whole lot, adding to our fouled environment. After the Fax machines are paid for, there are no stamps to buy, no postal boxes to rent, no post offices to build and maintain, and no lines to stand in. We'll save billions.

6. The most powerful, prestigious job in America is the presidency. Every person of modest means who enters the office emerges as a multimillionaire. Why? Because the White House is a magical place in which guys who never made a payroll can mysteriously become wealthy. And we pay people to occupy the office. Instead of paying them, and their campaign expenses to get into office, we ought to charge for the privilege. The candidate who offers to pay the most gets the job, and while he's there he has to pay all his expenses, including staff, housing, food, transportation and police protection. By bidding for the job, candidates will save all the expense of campaign consultants, advertising and hundreds of workers.

Well, that's the list, Uncle. I hope my column isn't misunderstood by readers: I'm not serious about "reforms" to cut federal spending. And neither is anyone in Washington.

Your Beloved Nephew