CUOMO WATCH KEEPS TICKING: WOULD WE HAVE IT OTHERWISE?

You know, Mario Cuomo never lets us down.

Birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim, and you can't help loving a man so tentative.

We are less than a year out from the 1992 president election and the words "Cuomo Watch" have been used so often that people are beginning to think it's a timepiece.

In fact, Cuomo Watch is a quadrennial exercise in journalistic tedium. It consists of political reporters and pundits speculating on whether the New York governor may or may not run for the nation's highest office.

"May or may not" are critical words in reporting on Mario Cuomo. Seldom has a man so tortured himself in making a decision. On biography sheets, he lists "rumination" as his hobby. He is the kind of fellow you hate to get behind at Baskin-Robbins.

In 1984, Mario Cuomo burst onto the national scene with a stirring keynote address at the Democratic National Convention. Since that time, Democrats have said Cuomo is the one man in their party capable of articulating a vision for America.

Trouble is, Mario doesn't cooperate. In 1988, the Cuomo Watch commenced, with the governor dangling his availability before political brethren but not committing his body, soul or good name. He wouldn't say yes and he wouldn't say no.

Reporters followed him around waiting for the word. At every opportunity, he opted to build on his diffidence.

August of that year found Massachusetts Gov. Michael Dukakis heading the national ticket. If Cuomo couldn't make up his mind early in 1988, the American voters took little time in doing so that ~November.

In the current round of presidential campaigning, Cuomo has rekindled for us the dismal nostalgia of four years ago.

He has hinted that a run for higher office might be in the works. With short memories, or maybe just forgiving natures, the news people picked up the trail where they left it in 1988.

The stories have an environmental purity: they are recycled. Mario, is it yes or no? He won't say. On the New York political beat, hair loss is covered by health insurance as an occupational hazard.

Even on its good days, politics is a rough-and-tumble business. Still, someone needs to slap Mario around.

Cuomo is as overrated as a politician as Jim Morrison was as a rock star. Maybe Oliver Stone will make a movie about him. What has the guy done to deserve this attention?

He gave a good speech at a good time in 1984. Jesse Jackson gave a better speech that same week and his chance for the presidency has long ago been dashed.

Cuomo presides over a state where prosperity is discussed in the past tense. Its largest city is nearly bankrupt and ready to explode from racial stress.

In teetering on the edge of a choice, Cuomo has succeeded not in building a national consensus but in providing fodder for talk show gags.

Johnny Carson: "Mario Cuomo admitted today he has some skeletons in his closet. He said that while in college, he experimented with decisiveness."

Cuomo has vision? Hey, Hamlet had vision too.

But, since someone has to make a decision, I will. Mario Cuomo should run for president. I'll tell you why.

With apologies to David Letterman.

The Top Ten Reasons Why Mario Cuomo Will Run For President:

10. Jesse Jackson beat him out on a talk show contract.

9. Secretly discovered that the governor's mansion in Albany has dry rot.

8. Scared as a child by a man in a bow tie, he no longer has to fear debating Paul Simon.

7. Since he has three vowels in each name, is sure to get the en~dorsement of numerologists.

6. Thinks Bill Clinton is a weenie.

5. Wants to travel; loves airport chili dogs.

4. Hopes to compare landslides with Walter Mondale and Dukakis.

3. Wants to call a World Series locker room without hearing an outfielder say, "Mario Who?"

2. Babes love Air Force One.

And the number one reason Mario Cuomo will run for president.

1. Believes Millie Bush is killing shrubs at the White House.