NEWTON'S LAW: CHINESE FINALLY LIGHTEN UP: HEY, EVEN THUGS HAVE FEELINGS

Okay, maybe you have a bit of sympathy for Marlin Fitzwater. He's the White House press secretary charged with explaining what President Bush is saying when it sometimes seems President Bush doesn't even know what he's saying.

First, no new taxes. Then, new taxes. Next, no more new taxes. Think of all the press briefings in which Fitzwater says, "I know what he said yesterday, but today ...."

If Fitzwater had hair, he'd be pulling it out. His job would be no tougher if he was explaining policy decisions made by Gracie Allen.

Given this rather rigorous occupation, who do you think Marlin Fitzwater has sympathy for?

His counterpart in Beijing, for one. That can be no easy assignment, putting a good face on the chaos that is Chinese communism.

During slow times, it might be easy enough, publishing brochures for the common good, light things titled "Lettuce Give Thanks: A Guide to Collective Farming" and "Mao Now: A Modern Look."

However, the pace has picked up in recent times and, with communism falling almost every place but China, the propaganda officer's job is probably a real pressure cooker. He might be excused for shooting and missing on occasion.

Take a recent Chinese public relations campaign, which seems grossly insincere and, at best, half-baked. According to a report out of Beijing this week, the Public Security Ministry has ordered police to "widely, thoroughly and solidly love the people" for one month early next year.

Like a trial basis, I suppose. Just to see if it works.

An article in the Communist Party-run newspaper, People's Daily, explained that the campaign is intended to suppress police corruption and arrogance, establish close ties between the people and security forces and "correct unhealthy professional tendencies."

That last bit seems intriguing. What could those "unhealthy professional tendencies" be? Gunning down unarmed students? Rolling tanks through a crowded public square?

According to the article, what the Chinese officials really have in mind is the unauthorized acceptance of funds by police, which apparently is more of a problem in Beijing than wholesale slaughter.

Slaughter is not only accepted by the government, it is underwritten.

The one-month limit on these good feelings is defined by the Chinese Spring Festival, celebrated in late February and marking the beginning of the Chinese lunar new year. It is the most festive season on the ancient Chinese calendar and no ones cares to mar it with any ill will or artillery.

What next for the storm troopers of China?

Happy face buttons for their lapels? A re-release and distribution of old John Lennon/Yoko Ono albums? Line up the troops for a military version of that "like-to-teach-the-world-to-sing" Coke commercial? Turn Tiananmen Square into Hollywood Squares?

Maybe a catchy slogan would put people in the mood for the Spring Festival. Something like, "Forget the guns and come have some fun."

My feeling is the Chinese are on the right path with this folksy approach. The government is right to call upon the better instincts of its security officers. Have them set aside those kickbacks for a month and say "Have A Nice Day" once in a while.

Basically, the message is: Repress the masses, but try to smile.

That doesn't seem so tough. Even thugs have feelings.