You're Not Alone: Experiencing grief and loneliness during the holidays

It’s been said the holiday season is the “most wonderful time of the year” — but for those experiencing grief, loss or loneliness, it can also be the most difficult time, especially in 2020. Celebrations have been cancelled or postponed. Funerals have been quiet and small. Churches have low attendance. And many families are still trying to decide how to gather for Christmas.

Between physical distancing, mask mandates and the suggested “10 people or less” in any given room, our holiday season this year will collectively look different than it has in years past. And for those considered vulnerable, at-risk or living with pre-existing medical conditions, the opportunity to socialize will be extremely limited.

No one knows this better than the staff and residents at local assisted living facilities like the Lutheran Home in Cape Girardeau, where they have been operating with reduced visitations since mid-March. While many residents were accustomed to seeing loved ones multiple times a day, they’ve had to adjust to visiting on cell phones and talking through windows.

“Everyone has felt a tremendous loss this year, both physically and socially,” says Melody Harpur, director of marketing and community development. “It’s been a struggle.”

But staff members, as well as patients and families, have been learning to adjust by creating new tactics and traditions in order to connect with and celebrate those they love. When Irene Murphy, two-year resident of the Lutheran Home, had her 100th birthday party cancelled just days before the event, the family and hospice staff adapted their plans.

“They brought my mother down to the first-

floor room, and we all got to see her outside,” says Pat Cobb, daughter of Irene. “With signs, balloons and a birthday cake, we did the very best we could to make it a special celebration.”

And when their mother passed away in September, they adapted again. It had been months since they were physically able to touch her, but for the week leading up to Irene’s death, the family was able to be with her around the clock.

“We cried and grieved over her that week,” says Renee Brown, another of Irene’s daughters. “It helped with closure.”

Of course, not everyone who has lost someone this year has had a chance to properly grieve and say good-bye. And celebrating the holidays without a loved one is hard no matter what. For many people, finding a group of peers who are also grieving can be extremely helpful to the process. Many local churches, like La Croix United Methodist, offer GriefShare, a 13-week, faith-based course that allows people to work through the grieving process. There is also a stand-alone session that is specific to surviving the holidays. And for those who are not comfortable attending an in-person class, there are virtual courses, as well.

Mary McClary from Cape Girardeau lost her husband, Robb McClary, in 2010. She attended GriefShare in Anna, Ill., after he passed and began helping lead the class at La Croix three years ago.

“The problem with grief is that you don’t see change overnight or week to week,”

McClary says. “You have to look back over time.” Which is why McClary, based on her own personal experience and those discussed in GriefShare, fully recommends and encourages

journaling as a way to work through grief. The process of getting heavy feelings out of your head and onto the paper is a helpful way to cope with loss. For those who don’t like to write, McClary suggests “recording messages onto your phone or finding other people to talk to.”

Because there is definitely comfort in speaking with others who have been down the same road. Regarding the loss of a sibling, spouse, parent or child, grief is grief. And while there is no quick fix, each person will come to experience healing in their own time.

It’s important to remember it’s not just those who have lost a friend or family member who are grieving. In this season, every person is feeling a loss of some sort. Divorce, job loss and not being able to travel and gather this Christmas will leave many people feeling out of sorts and lonely. And while it may be necessary to distance ourselves from large crowds, there are still plenty of ways we can connect. Phone calls, Facetime, hand-written letters and cards will help bridge the gap of loneliness this season. There are some things that just can’t be taken away.

If 2020 has taught us anything, it’s that relationships and human connection are still the most important things we have to offer. So, check on your friends. Be a listening ear. Reach out to others and be generous with your time. If you are struggling with loss, life may never be “normal” again, and that’s okay. The season you are in is difficult. There will be unexpected highs and devastating lows. But there are people who care, people who have been there and people who want to help. Days may be dark, but no matter what you are going through, you are never truly alone.

If you are struggling with loss this holiday season and want support, contact GriefShare at La Croix United Methodist Church in Cape Girardeau

at (573) 339-0302.