Kids: Let them text

I've seen the inside of a lot of therapy rooms and never, not once, has an important disclosure included confident eye contact. I've shredded soggy tissues with eyes cast down. I have chewed an unruly cuticle. Never have I wanted to look my therapist in the eye.

Why, then, do we ask a child to stand still and look us in the eyes when confessing a painful wrongdoing? Why do we think an adolescent will waltz into the room and say, "Mother, there's something important I need to talk to you about?"

There's a reason Catholics offer the concealing screen as an option for confession. Face-to-face is hard. That's also why a child therapist's office is always stocked with games.

In our house, we welcomed texting. It's a confessional screen we allowed in times of vulnerability. Some say I'm just making it easy on my kids and in some ways, I am. I get it and I'm OK with that. My focus is less about punishment or perceived judgment and more about wanting my kids to talk to me and learn.

My kids have asked me embarrassing questions about sex via text. They've been brave enough to tell me that I've hurt their feelings. Texts allow for a thoughtful choosing of words before clicking "send." Texts permit apologies without humiliation. No one interrupts your thoughts with rebuttals, and conversations don't become screaming matches ... most of the time. Respectful ground rules still apply and yes, they are sometimes forgotten. But that's a learning opportunity as well.

I hear the naysayers out there shaking their heads and saying I'm just giving a child the easy way out and not teaching them how to have adult conversations. I know texting can't be the only form of communication, but I'm OK with it being the starting point when confrontation feels too hard.

There were too many things I was too painfully embarrassed or ashamed of to talk to my parents about when I was a kid. I kept a lot of things to myself, hoping they'd figure it out. They didn't. I didn't have to struggle, but I couldn't bring myself to feel so exposed in face-to-face conversation. I wonder if I had had the option to text my mom and dad, if I'd have come forward more often when I needed support.

After an initial text conversation, the hardest part is done: The disclosure. Both texters can take their space and have time to process things. Then, we can talk about it.

I like the car for these chats, or while I cook dinner or do the dishes. Talking while engaged in another activity takes the pressure off. I'm not staring anyone down. I'm focused on the task at hand and like the therapist playing games with a client, I hope to create an open, casual space for some of the hard emotional work to happen. It's another confessional screen intended to create a safe place for vulnerability. The physical task guides the emotional one. Oddly enough, it's by protecting the barrier that we can bring kids closer in conversation.

Hopefully, I can sneak in a hug before it's all said and done. But if not, my kid can expect a smoochie-face emoji text later, for sure.