Hey Bill, pass the time machine

What kind of half-baked time machine is this? It only takes us back to that part of 1985 where Bill Elliott is winning back-to-back races? That's not really what I'm looking for.

Why not take me all the way back? I want my 34-inch waist. I want more hair on my head than on my pillowcase. I want joints that don't pop and crackle like wet firewood. I want New Coke back on the shelves. I want the Like-A-Virgin Madonna back. And if Awesome Bill happens to take a checkered flag or 10, well, that's fine, too.

Weak to remember

Now that the players have agreed to allow very limited testing -- meaning those who come to the park with the needles still sticking out of a body part could actually get caught -- let's imagine a baseball world without steroids. Suddenly, the 30-homer season is no longer a disappointment. The nickname "Wee Willie" will return to fashion. Equipment men can stop re-fashioning beer kegs into batting helmets. The next player who tries to break his bat over his knee goes home in an air cast. Chicks will start digging the Texas League single. Now, is that really a world you want to live in?

Enough already

As a sloganeer, Bobby Bowden is a great football coach. The decision to adopt "Let's Roll" from the heroes of doomed Sept. 11 Flight 93 has drawn a huge amount of over-reaction.

And there were so many other old favorites out there he could have chosen from.

After the season they had, the Seminoles would look splendid in t-shirts emblazoned with, "I Shall Return." Almost anything would have been better received, from "Remember The Alamo!" to "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too." Think how cool they'd all look in a "Nothing Comes Between Me And My Calvins" shirt. It may be about time to bring back "Please Don't Squeeze The Charmin."

Considering all the fuss, my choice for a replacement would be the famous reply given by Gen. Anthony McAuliffe, when the Germans demanded his surrender at Bastogne: "Nuts!"

A tough catch

Not certain this can be statistically verified, but I think chasing a Barry Bonds home run ball now has become the leading cause of disability and dismemberment claims in the United States.

According to one expert in the field, Bonds' 600th home run ball could fetch as much as $500,000. But to actually catch it and hold it, you have to have trained in at least the last three runnings of the bulls at Pamplona.

No sudden moves

This is getting serious. We understand that the major league players union is close to meeting to set a date for the meeting at which they'll consider a date for the meeting to determine a caterer for the meeting to set a strike date.

Off course

Nobody just stands up and says something anymore. After careful consideration, Tiger Woods came out recently on his Web site to state that "Yes, that would be great," if Augusta National opened up to women members. I almost feel bad for the guy, because of his position being asked to weigh in on what passes for social issues in golf. Left to his own, he seems about as political as a tee marker. Just curious. Wonder where Brandel Chamblee, Frank Lickliter and Scott Verplank fall on this raging topic?

Steve Hummer is a sports columnist for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.