ll parents want their children to be liked and accepted by their classmates. But kids -- even popular ones -- will go through their share of social trauma, from name-calling to being left out of a clique to feeling shy in a group.

Numerous books have popped up to help parents guide their youngsters through the turbulent and sometimes even threatening school social life.

The Seattle Times looked to four authors of recent books for tips on common social issues, including teasing, shyness and bullying.

Social pain

"Every child is teased, every child has a fight with a friend, everyone likes someone more than that person likes them," notes the new book, "Mom, They're Teasing Me: Helping Your Child Solve Social Problems."

"We, as adults, have to remember that this normal social pain will pass, and that there is a tomorrow with the potential for friendship and acceptance."

Parents need to watch their children, however, to make sure they don't fall into an at-risk group of youths (about a fifth of the population) who are aggressive, neglected or systematically rejected by other youngsters, said one of the book's co-authors, psychologist Michael Thompson.

Rather than dismiss social problems with a "kids will be kids" or respond with too much adult intervention, Thompson advocates teaching students leadership and conflict resolution skills.

This "helps the popular kids learn to be benign instead of cruel, lower-status kids to stick up for themselves and find acceptance in the group, and the majority in the middle to take a moral stand against teasing, bullying and cruelty," the book states.

Here are some of Thompson's social tips:

Remember that having friends and being popular are not the same thing. Parents have little influence over their child's popularity, Thompson said. They can, however, help children meet friends and deepen their friendships by organizing play dates and opening their house.

Don't teach youngsters to say "Can I play?" It just invites others to say no. Instead, suggest they stand nearby, give positive attention and offer assistance.

Keep social woes in perspective, even if your children can't. "On any given day, your child may feel the world is over," he said. Before reacting too strongly, see how they feel the next day. He's had youngsters tell him their moms hold grudges longer than they do. "It's no help when mom is keeping score."

Just listen and try to understand when youngsters talk. "It is so uncomfortable for us to hear difficult stories from our children's lives ... that we find ourselves almost compelled to leap into problem-solving mode and offer them solutions," Thompson writes. Children want parents to grasp the complexity of their social lives, not jump in with quick answers.

Don't legitimize social cruelty with your silence. Parents will complain about vicious talk during carpools, claiming "I don't know what to say." Turn around and tell them you can't drive while listening to their cruelty, Thompson said. "They're dragging this out in front of you, and you have a moral obligation to comment on it."

"If you're a parent and you think you've got to be 'cool,' you've got a problem. If your child is over 11, your cool days are over."

Keep in mind the power of friendship. Most adults will cite a moment with friends as a favorite childhood memory. Much of the time, youngsters are happy and care deeply about their friends.

Teasing

Most teasers want a reaction, so crying or getting mad usually prolongs or escalates the teasing, said Judy Freedman, an elementary-school social worker and author of "Easing the Teasing: Helping Your Child Cope with Name-Calling, Ridicule and Verbal Bullying."

"So often, teasers say, 'I was just kidding,'" she said. "The problem is when it's not taken that way. Even if it's said in fun, it may be perceived as cruel and hurtful."

Youngsters who are different for any reason are more likely targets of teasing, but not always, Freedman said. "It depends on self-esteem and personality. Teasers look for a sense that a child is sensitive or vulnerable."

Some tips for parents on helping children cope with teasing:

Role play with children so they can practice what they will say, as well as see parents model responses. Kids, for example, often "ignore" teasing by stomping off with a mad face. Parents can show them how to avoid eye contact and pretend the teaser is invisible.

Teach children to deflect the teasing by agreeing with the facts (for example, "Yes, I have poor vision" to a "four-eyes" taunt). The important thing is to give the impression the child genuinely doesn't care what's being said.

Explaining how teasing hurts may be helpful when asking a friend for help or in a supervised situation with a teacher, but on the bus or at recess it may lead to more teasing.

Help your child with tools and strategies to deal with teasing but don't overreact because you remember being teased as a child. "When it becomes abusive or chronic, that's when you need to go for help," Freedman said.

Bullying

"If we get harassed as adults, we call the police," said Peter Sheras, a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of Virginia and author of "Your Child: Bully or Victim?: Understanding and Ending School Yard Tyranny."

"If it happens with kids, we say, 'Oh, it's just kid stuff.' In fact, because they're children, we need to protect them more."

Most experts say teasing crosses the line into bullying when it's repetitive; continued despite the victim's protests; degrading or offensive; and if there is an imbalance of strength and power between victim and taunter(s).

Tips for dealing with bullies:

Watch for possible signs of bullying, including not wanting to go to school or ride the bus; "losing" clothes or other items; torn clothing; and lack of friends.

Another red flag is a child who comes home angry. "Often, they're just coming out of a negative situation, and they don't know what to do with their feelings," Sheras said.

When talking to youngsters about possible bullying, don't ask right out if it's going on. "Most kids don't want to tell their parents because they're embarrassed or worried their parents will be upset," Sheras said. Instead, he suggests parents "root around and talk around the edges."

For example, a parent could recall a bullying incident as a child and then ask, "Do you ever see something like that?"

Don't ignore bullies, which often leads to an increase in violence. "Bullies are motivated by a need for power, a need to control and an inability to direct their aggressive feelings in more acceptable ways."

Forget the myths about bullies being aggressive because they're insecure. Many are popular and use their social power to pick on weaker children.

It's common for boy-girl harassment to be dismissed as fumbling romantic gestures. Teach teens to make assertive statements such as "Stop that" or "I don't want to be near you" if someone of the opposite sex says things that make them uncomfortable. They need to ask adults for help if the behavior continues or if physical intimidation is involved.

Forget the common advice to fight back. "Fighting back physically or in kind with insults fails more than it succeeds," Sheras said.

If you complain to school officials about bullying, follow up and don't assume the problem is resolved. Keep records of conversations. "If you tell your child to tell the principal but nothing happens, your child isn't going to feel comfortable coming back to you," he said. "They just figure it's typical bad advice you get from an adult."

Shyness

Though many shy children feel alone and separate from their peers, shyness is actually quite common. Some 20 percent of children are identified as shy as young children and another 20 percent develop shyness before adulthood, according to "The Shy Child: Helping Children Triumph Over Shyness" by child psychologist Ward Swallow.

Indeed, "all children exhibit shyness at some point in their lives," Swallow notes. But for some, it is a personality trait -- they tend to avoid eye contact, fail to join activities, rarely speak in class, refuse to ask for help and are extremely stressed about speaking in front of groups.

"Shyness is not a disorder. Shyness is not a disability. Shyness is not cause for parental despair or societal intolerance," he writes. But it can be challenging, both for children and parents.

Some of his tips for helping shy children:

Don't overprotect shy children, always speaking up for them or rescuing them from social situations. At the same time, don't force a child into social situations to "toughen them up." Find a balance that allows your child to learn coping skills while still avoiding traumatic situations.

Be empathetic but don't commiserate. Trying to soothe hurt feelings with promises of food or fun activities does not solve the problem and only reinforces the child's sense of inadequacy in social situations.

Verbalize your own self-pep talks. If you feel nervous about a social situation, say it out loud and then explain how you're working through that anxiety. This models how to deal with fear.

Talk to teachers to make sure shy students aren't ignored because they don't demand attention.

If you can afford it, buy in-style outfits. The wrong clothes just worsen a shy child's sense of not fitting in.

Encourage children to join small groups such as a sports team or after-school club. While they may resist initially, bonding through an activity is a great way to make friends.