by Leroy Grey

Greg's not back yet from his haunted hayride, so it's my turn to talk movies.

Sometimes, being in Cape does feel like two hours from civilization. Maybe you heard about the Lord of the Rings Marathon (if not, forget about it; tickets sold so fast, they were crashing websites) that is NOT happening in Cape because it only happens in one theater in the St Louis market, of which we are a part. Maybe you heard about the 'zero hour' premiere for Matrix Revolutions; the last Matrix film is scheduled to premiere at the same moment all over the world (9 AM New York, 6 AM Los Angeles, 11 PM Tokyo) Cape's out of the loop for that, too. I guess that's fine; are you in the mood for mind-altering sci-fi at 8 in the morning?

The powers that be at the local Wehrenberg gave me the scoop for November:

MATRIX REVOLUTIONS is coming. What else is there to say? The Matrix series is the Star Wars of the millennium (okay, there's that other trilogy that wraps up next month...) I suppose the question is, will there be any revelations when it's all said and done? Or are we going to be stuck with Charlton Heston on a beach?

LOOK FOR: Answers, and a chase scene with a helicopter.

MASTER AND COMMANDER: FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD stars Russell Crowe as a colonial sea captain, and proving once again that HISTORY KICKS ASS! This follows his Oscar-winning turn in "A Beautiful Mind," where he proved that MATH KICKS ASS! And who can forget Crowe's performance in "Gladiator", demonstrating that LATIN KICKS ASS!! Can you imagine what this guy would be like in a driver's ed film? Or those computer program video manuals?

LOOK FOR: Any airplanes flying overhead.

Why do we even bother with books? All the good ones get made into movies anyway - like THE CAT IN THE HAT. The people who put Jim Carrey in the Grinch suit put Mike Myers ("Austin Powers", "Shrek") in top hat and tails for their second dip in the Dr Seuss library. I think there'll be some rhyming, too.

LOOK FOR: Sean Hayes regularly steals the show on "Will & Grace", and he was the best part of the kids' film "Cats & Dogs". Look - or listen to - Hayes' performance as the fussy goldfish.

The only thing better than movies based on books are movies based on amusement park rides. THE HAUNTED MANSION is based on the Walt Disney World ride, and stars Eddie Murphy as a workaholic real estate agent, who takes his family to see the house that refuses to be sold. If you liked "Shrek" or "Daddy Day Care", you should love this. If you want "Beverly Hills Cop 4", talk to Chris Tucker.

LOOK FOR: Don Knotts!

HONEY is the latest addition to the dancing movie genre. This time around, Jessica Alba ("Dark Angel") stars as a choreographer looking for success in the cutthroat world of hip-hop music videos. Director Billie Woodruff knows a thing or two about music videos (Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On", all Toni Braxton's good ones) and must have called in a few favors (Missy Elliott and Jay-Z are among the celebrity cameos in the film.) Mekhi Phifer also stars, which should give some people "8 Mile" flashbacks. So will "Honey" be a "Flashdance" flashback?

LOOK FOR: The movie poster for "Honey" on the Christmas list of every Maxim subscriber.

BAD SANTA promises to be a twisted movie. First off, you have Terry Zwigoff ("Ghost World") directing off a Coen Brothers script ("Raising Arizona", "O Brother, Where Art Thou?"), which virtually guarantees a world of weird people on-screen. Then, you have Billy Bob Thornton as the titular Santa, a grizzled grifter in the big red suit. Bernie Mac also nods his head in, upping the laugh quotient. Last of all, Bad Santa features John Ritter's final film performance, and what could be the funniest film of his career.

LOOK FOR: the Filipino boxer.

The late night feature for November is "ANIMAL HOUSE." The college experience has never recovered from the movie that celebrates its 25th anniversary this year. Would we have "Revenge of the Nerds" or "American Pie" without "Animal House?" And what better way to experience the ultimate college movie in a college town than on the big screen? "Animal House" hits the Cape on November 15th and 16th.

LOOK FOR: an explanation for whatever 'double secret probation' is.

Til next month, save me a seat...