Bernie, Mo., cancer survivor writes how-to-book about cancer

BERNIE, Mo. -- "The chemo will not be the death of me," 35-year-old Bernie resident Becky Dennington wrote in the fall of 2010, shortly after she was diagnosed with breast cancer. "But in a sense, I feel like that first drop of chemo is going to mark the end of this Beck. This blonde-haired, healthy, goofy, giddy Beck."

There were so many things, Dennington says now, that she didn't want to say aloud during those frightening months. Writing offered a form of self-therapy.

She posted her thoughts on a blog, "Deep Thoughts by Beck," that kept family and friends up-to-date on her progress. Those words have now been compiled in the book, "Me and the ugly C."

A printed version was released through Amazon and Barnes and Noble. An e-reader version has been available since the fall of 2011.

The first-time author is also about to embark on another new experience, public speaking, when she visits Poplar Bluff Public Library on March 13 to talk about cancer, writing and life.

"I think I'm happier now than I've ever been," Dennington said last week, after closing her Bernie nail business, Tips to Toes, for the day and before going home to her husband of 17 years, Kelley, and children, Ryan, 15, and Mallory, 11. "It's not because of what happened. The book is a dream come true. But I see what I have, and I am so grateful for every minute. I just don't sweat the small stuff like I did before.

"I see it now where I don't think I ever saw those blessings before."

Cancer free at 36, Dennington also describes herself today as stronger, bolder and braver.

Her original writings, shared with the world via the Internet, show a resilient spirit was already present.

The work tracks Dennington's journey as she is diagnosed with stage one noninvasive ductal carcinoma and invasive ductal carcinoma -- the Ugly C-word -- and as she underwent chemotherapy and then radiation.

"Me and the ugly C" reads like a candid conversation between close friends, in which both tears and laughter are shared as Dennington fights a battle many friends and neighbors across Southeast Missouri have waged.

From the beginning, she committed to putting up a strong fight, writing, "Cancer, you can't hide from me. If you're there, I will find you and, in Jesus name, you WILL be removed from this body."

Yet, the reality of the battle was different from what Dennington imagined. When she failed to bounce back as quickly as she expected from her first bout of chemo, administered in September 2010, she wrote, "And I felt ashamed. I couldn't hold my head up and I was embarrassed. All I could think of was, ‘I'm failing.'

"I'm supposed to be fighting this and instead I'm so weak I can barely get myself together four full days later."

As she often would in the coming months, Dennington made a conscious decision to re-evaluate her path.

"I've got about 15 chemo treatments left," she wrote later. "But you know what? I've got one already done! And maybe I can't hold my head up, but the bright side is getting to take as many Big Fat Guilt-Free Medicated OR Nonmedicated naps as I want!"

Dennington says she had no reservations about being open in a public forum about her experiences.

"Writing came fairly easily because it was honest and real and how I felt," she explains. "It was very freeing to me to know this was something that couldn't be done wrong. This was how I felt. This was something I was going through and I wanted to remember everything, the ups and the downs."

Dennington wrote of crying the night her husband helped her shave what was left of the thick blond hair she had always worn long. Despite that, she tried a mohawk before they removed all of her hair.

Dennington also shared stories again and again of how at her lowest points, her family was there to offer support in whatever way needed.

As Kelley started "carving out the new me," she recalled of the night they shaved her head, "I thanked God for this beautiful man who loves me enough to relieve me of my ‘crown and glory' when I wasn't strong enough to do it myself."

When it was over, Dennington wrote the woman who stared back at her was, "me," the same woman from two hours earlier, the same woman who was a wife, a mother, a daughter and a granddaughter.

Separation from that line of support was very difficult when in February of 2011 Dennington spent six weeks in St. Louis. She received radiation treatment five days a week. Kelley and the children remained in Bernie, visiting on the weekends.

"My heart breaks every time I watch that red truck drive away, Kelley's hand signing ‘I Love You,' my children's hands hanging out their windows waving goodbye as I stand stubbornly on the sidewalk until they mix into the traffic and I can no longer see them," Dennington wrote after one visit. "The lonely is worse when they leave."

The couple's wedding anniversary that year fell on a Thursday, Dennington wrote later. As she struggled with the thought she would spend it alone for the first time in 16 years, a piece of notebook paper appeared under the door of the room where she was staying at Hope Lodge, a residence for patients undergoing treatment at nearby hospitals.

The paper read, "Happy Anniversary." Kelley, who had driven up with their children, was outside.

"And just like that, all was right in my world," Dennington wrote. "There we were. Together again. The four of us.

"Yes. It's MY cancer. But it's been OUR battle. My cheerleaders. My rocks. My reasons for fighting as hard as I do. When we are together, that is when I am strongest, unbeatable."

Dennington completed radiation treatments in April 2011. Because her cancer was estrogen-fed, once every three months for the next five years she will receive a shot that shuts down her body's ability to produce estrogen. This is a precaution to prevent her cancer from returning. She also undergoes either a mammogram or an MRI every six months to ensure the disease has not returned.

Dennington was approached by Lazy Day Publishing in December 2010, before she began radiation treatments, about turning her blog into a book. A friend had submitted her writing, without her knowledge, and the company offered Dennington a contract.

She finished the first draft in August 2011, one year to the day after surgery to remove a lump in her breast, the start of her battle against the Ugly C-word.

"It was surreal, every bit of it," Dennington says now. "It was all really hard to digest. I don't think I really got it until I held the book in my hand."

She read her final draft before turning it in, but says she has not read the book since.

"There are still parts of it that hurt," Dennington says. "I've gotten to a place of knowing everything is there, neat and tidy, and I can step away and move away and not worry about forgetting it."

Soon after her diagnosis, Dennington searched a Christian bookstore for something to help her make sense of what was to come. In the end, she believes she has written the "how-to-book" for which she was looking.

Lazy Day Publishing has committed to donate all of its proceeds from the e-books to the Stoddard County, Mo., charity, 18 Fore Life, which provides financial assistance to cancer patients.

Dennington is proud her book cannot only help cancer patients and others facing difficult battles of their own, but will also help provide funds to those undergoing treatment.

"I think that's the biggest blessing," she said.

The library event begins at 6 p.m. and copies of the "Me and the ugly C" will be available. For more information about the event, the library can be reached at 573-686-8639.

Dennington can be found online at deepthoughtsbybeck.blogspot.com.