BUCKING THE SYSTEM: FAMILY TIES BOND STRONG POSITIVE MEMORIES

The movie "The Color Purple" does an excellent job of portraying the love of family and extended family. Maybe if more people watched that movie, they'd get a better grasp on what being in a family really means.

Celie and Nettie had a powerful sibling bond best portrayed in the scene when Nettie said she'd be back for her sister because "nothin' but death would keep me from it." Couple that with Shug Avery, who dedicated the song "Sista', Miss Celie's Blues" to represent those two ladies' friendship, and you have a wonderful representation of the power of familial love.

I overheard a conversation last week between two relatives, and I remember thinking I could never talk to or about my family the way they were talking to each other.

As I listened, I realized that although these two people were kin, they didn't understand the concept of family. When they talked about memories, their anger, jealousies and egos overpowered a conversation that should have been flavored by love, pride and mutual respect.

The family experiences they spoke of sounded more like feuding tribes of strangers than simple differences of opinion between loved ones.

I couldn't understand them because my experiences have been completely different.

My family is very important to me. Anyone who has shared a regular conversation with me knows this, because I can work my mother, father, sister, husband or son into a conversation about ANYTHING within two minutes.

My parents were present at every academic and sports banquet I ever attended. When I played basketball, they brought their friends to support me. And I'd gladly slay dragons for my sister if she'd only point them out for me.

I'm proud of that, and I'm proud of them.

I have also adopted a large extended family here in Cape Girardeau that I am very proud of. These people are even more important to me because I don't form friendships easily.

The circle of friends Patrick and I have are people whom we love and respect because they have shown us they deserve those feelings. We're all about the same age, and we've shared births, baptisms and baccalaureates in the short time we've been together.

These people are a part of my social life, but they are special because of the religious, spiritual and emotional aspects of our friendships.

They're family.

I like to think I can count on my friends regardless of what happens. If I'm accused of something, they'll wait before judging me. If I do something wrong, they'll tell me. If I need a shoulder or an ear, they'll willingly share body parts with me.

That's what families are all about.

I don't understand brothers and sisters who don't respect or support each other, or kids who disrespect aunts and uncles, parents or even older cousins.

I don't understand families who fight today with no thought of reconciliation tomorrow. My family has awful arguments sometimes, but we never fight for keeps. Families are supposed to stick together, and they don't say things to or about one another that would permanently damage their relationship.

I try to keep those same principles with my family of friends.

Once upon a time, hardships strengthened rather than weakened family ties, and memories centered around "How we made it" rather than "What you did to me." People supported rather than supplanted each other and memories were good things.

Maybe I didn't grow up in The Good Old Days, but I was raised by people who did. That's why I'm passing those experiences on to my son and to my friends' kids. I want them to have good family experiences they can share later on.

Tonight my family and friends are coming together to support "one of ours" in a recognition banquet he has organized. Next month, he's going with my family to Florida for my sister's college graduation.

That's the way we like to do things: All in the family.

It's a good system.

~Tamara Zellars Buck is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.