CAROLINE'S CORNER: A WEDDING SATIRE

Due to the acceptance by Murphy Brown of Peter's marriage proposal on last Monday's episode of the situation comedy, we will soon see a surge of family values unprecedented in American history.

Three years ago, the pregnancy of the unwed fictional character caused a great uproar that was somehow tied to family values and potatoes.

If we look at this situation logically, it would seem that if Murphy's pregnancy would cause millions of young unwed women to follow her lead and become pregnant, then we can assume that her pending marriage will cause millions of women who are having extramarital sex to marry and subsequently cause the number of illegitimate births to decline.

The implications for the future of our country are too huge to imagine. With a father in every family, all problems will be solved and there will be a potato in every pot.

With the presence and influence of fathers, young men will cease to join gangs and participate in drive-by shootings. Therefore, gun control will no longer be needed.

Abortion laws will not be necessary because there will be no out-of-wedlock pregnancies and every child will be planned for and loved.

Welfare rolls will dwindle as two-family incomes are able to provide for all needs. Food stamps will go out of style. Funding for school lunches will be a moot point.

Due to peace and harmony prevailing throughout the land, the baseball strike will end and Michael Jordan can return to his sport of second choice. Deion Sanders and Bo will know that another can make it big in two sports.

This wedding could potentially affect the world as we know it as the U.S. becomes a role model for all. Our people in Congress could cease squabbling about such things as gun control, abortion and welfare laws and spend their time legally jetting over the world, promoting family values in Somalia and Chechnya.

The producers of "Murphy Brown" may have cut their own throats and those of their advertisers. With this return to the values of the 1920s, family groups will not be glued to the tube. They will be sitting on their front porches, drinking lemonade, eating apple pie and telling stories about their ancestors.

Since family values were not present for the past generation, the stories will be as fictional as Murphy Brown's influence on family values.