CAROLINE'S CORNER: FREEDOM FROM FAMILY VALUES

The politically correct term to use today is "family values." Just by using the phrase, you will get the vote of most electors, be in the good graces of most grandmothers and be the choice of your girlfriend's father for his little girl's mate for life.

I do not wish to be misunderstood or perceived as being politically incorrect. Family values are what keep the world sane. I just have a little trouble with some of those who try to push their values down my throat and legislate them for everyone.

My first problem is with those who shout about family values. Before I accept someone's values, I want to know where that person is coming from and the life he has lived.

Consider Mr. Family Values Himself, who is starting a Center for Family Values in San Diego. He has a history of wife beating (several wives) and owes $18,000 in back child support. I can't presume to judge this gentleman because I don't know what his wives did to deserve punishment nor do I know the fairness of the judge in determining the amount of child support.

All this aside, I cannot imagine that Mr. Family Values could be my leader in any facet of life. With or without my support, he will most likely secure a grant and become the role model of the month in San Diego.

My second problem with those who shout about family values is that they shout about them. If you are good at something, it is not necessary to toot your own horn. People will sit up and take notice.

My mother-in-law, Julia, doesn't wear a sweatshirt stating that she bakes good chocolate cakes. The cakes speak for themselves.

Aunt Sula doesn't write letters to the family informing all members that she makes the best corn and fried okra. We eat it and we know it.

My best friends don't whisper in my ear, "Remember, I am your best friend." They are there for me in times of joy and sorrow.

Minnie May Marble is even suspicious of those who boast about their marriage. She thinks there is a little something amiss if either spouse talks about the wedded bliss or the good sex life.

My first recollection of this big topic of family values is from the summer of 1992. My daughter, then 21, was forced to endure a series of knee surgeries and days upon end of grueling physical therapy.

At the time my interest was not in the news of the world or the latest political terminology and I had not heard of or thought about family values. When someone asked me to name my 10 family values in priority of importance, I was a little taken aback.

I said I would have to think about that one. I thought and made my list, complete with instructions that these were just my values and they pertained to no one but me. I would not presume to impose them on anyone.

Later it came to me that we were living the prime example of family values. I was staying in Birmingham with Sharla, playing the role of mother, sympathizer, empathizer, nurse, chauffeur or whatever role was required at the moment. I empathized so completely that my left knee began to hurt each time I entered the front door of the hospital.

Boulware was fulfilling his fatherly role by working during the week to pay the bills and by driving 14 hours to Birmingham each weekend to give us moral support.

Younger sister, Cara, was holding down the home front and showing no jealousy for the attention showered on her big sister.

When asked for a list, I should have responded, "I'm here. No one passed a law to make me do this. We're getting through one day at a time. Behold family values.""Family" is defined as two or more people who share goals and values and have long-term commitments to each other. "Values" is defined as principles, standards or qualities considered worthwhile or desirable.

With these definitions in mind I realize the people with whom I have long-term commitments know the principles we consider desirable.. We haven't necessarily discussed all of them. We have lived them. So have most other families. We do not need these qualities legislated or listed.

British Author G.K. Chesterton said in 1923, "The family is the test of freedom; because the family is the only thing that the free man makes himself and by himself."Caroline says in 1995, "Let us be free to be families and let us be!"