Connecting men with God

Two years ago about 25 men gathered together for a program called Men's Fraternity, an interdenominational organization that promotes responsibility, leadership and other traits of positive manhood.

The program has grown into five separate Men's Fraternity groups throughout the area.

If you really want to know how successful this organization is, ask the wives of the men who attend.

"I'm telling you, this Men's Fraternity stuff is good stuff," said Ashley Lipke, a diabetic educator and wife of state Rep. Scott Lipke. "It's a wonderful thing."

Like so many modern men, Scott Lipke's job defined him.

"For a lot of men, their career makes them who they are," Ashley Lipke said. "It makes them feel important. With Men's Fraternity, it taught him his focus needed to be on God first, family second and career third. Since he started doing Men's Fraternity I've seen a huge change."

Men's Fraternity provides opportunities for men to learn how to become leaders, said facilitator Dan Steska of LaCroix United Methodist Church.

"It does not mean they should exercise unyielding control over their wives and families," he said. "It means they need to lead by example because they love and respect their wives and children."

Different but equal

Men's Fraternity makes a distinction in terms of men and women not being equal in a sense of being the same, but being equal in a sense of capitalizing on each other's strengths, Steska said.

Ashley and Scott were married seven years ago. Three years later, when he began his first campaign for office, their first son was born. It was hard enough being a new mom, Ashley Lipke said, but harder to be a new mom with a husband who was hardly ever at home. Not only did she feel isolated, but she realized that Scott missed out on bonding with his son in those early years.

"He learned from Men's Fraternity he has to make time and choices, and make sure he has his priorities straight," Ashley Lipke said.

Ashley Lipke said Scott now sets aside a special time to call her when he's at work in Jefferson City to touch base, talk with the children -- they now have two sons, age 4 and 2 -- even if he's on the floor of the House at the time. He steps out to a quiet place and calls home.

"He makes me feel better as a wife," she said.

His relationship with the children has changed "like night and day," Ashley Lipke said.

Men's Fraternity has brought men in touch with their feelings, in particularly between fathers and sons, Steska said.

"A father and son can cut wood all day and never really connect on a personal basis," he said. "I think we have a generation of men now who think it's OK to express your feelings, OK to be sensitive to other people's feelings. It's really not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength to be able to express how you feel. It takes courage."

Steska said some emotional moments have developed between fathers and sons who connected through Men's Fraternity.

Many men commented that they always knew their fathers loved them, but felt an emptiness because their dads never told them they did. They are determined to improve that with their own sons.

Fathers and sons

Some men were finally able to tell their fathers they love and appreciate them, and several older men opened up to their sons and told them how they appreciate the men they've become, Steska said.

"A lot of wonderful stories came out of this because of the impetus the discussions create," he said. "I heard one of them say 'I wish I would have heard this 30 years ago. I wish I had somebody to walk me through this. I would have responded somewhat differently to my children.'"

Men who participate in Men's Fraternity also learn to share their thoughts and feelings with their male friends without their masculinity feeling threatened.

Harold Miles is involved with Men's Fraternity in Advance, Mo. His wife, Paula, says she's seen her husband's relationship with God strengthened because of it. There's a new connection she's noticed since Harold became active in Men's Fraternity.

"It's given him a connection with other men," she said. "To have a common bond with other men has really been good for him. There was never somebody he felt comfortable enough to share with or have a good Christian sounding board. It has been very, very good for him."

The Mileses have been married 14 years and have two children ages 10 and 9, and another who passed away. Men's Fraternity has enhanced their relationship as a family, Paula Miles said.

"He was a wonderful husband and father before, but we all need reminders of what's important," she said. "It has enhanced the husband and father he is -- not changed him to be different, just better."

Strengthening

Nancy Stone, a homemaker of Cape Girardeau, said Jerry, her husband of 45 years, has "become so involved and excited about it. This is very reaffirming to see that he believes this is something that's going to be strengthening for a man's life. It is going to give men a place to really find a relationship with God and with other men and with their families. This a wonderful way for God to let men know what their rightful role is as men, and husbands and fathers."

Men's Fraternity got its start in Little Rock, Ark., 12 years ago, and has grown into 2,000 chapters throughout the world, Steska said. It is open to men of all walks of life, all religions and all ages.

Most of the men who come to the local groups are married, although some are single or divorced, Steska said, and range in age from 18 to mid-60s. There are no dues; financial support comes from voluntary donations. All meetings, except at one location, begin early in the morning.

"If you come early in the morning, you make the sacrifice as a man," Steska said.

Ashley Lipke says her marriage to Scott is stronger now than it has ever been.

"I want him to know how proud I am of the changes have seen in my husband. I'm proud of the man he has become and proud of the father he is," Ashley said.

lredeffer@semissourian.com

335-6611, extension 160